 An excellent book for anyone interested in communicating. |
| Reviewer: Alan K. Jennings, Penn Valley, CA |
| Deborah Tannen has written an excellent book analyzing theverbal interaction between men and women. I highly recommend it toanyone. For many years I have been only generally aware of some of the symptoms she describes, mostly through personal communication problems that arose in my marriage. After reading her book, I now have a much better understanding of these challenging problems of differing perspective and I hope I can even change my reactions when these problems reoccur. I even note on pg. 201 (page numbers throughout refer to the Hardcover Edition) that the author herself, "as a result of doing this research, learned not to use machine-gun questions or cooperative overlapping with people who don't respond well -- a tangible benefit of understanding conversational style." I don't believe her book is at all one-sided. It presents examples of how some people (often women) feel they are always being interrupted and not allowed to present their views. It also describes how a male speaker, through his style, fails to get a professional group's attention or credit for bringing up a major point -- that is then later repeated by another speaker, who refers to the earlier speaker but still gets all the credit. In order for others to gain an appreciation of this book, I quote below from several selections. WHO DOES MORE OF THE TALKING, AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES? "Who talks more, then, women or men? The seemingly contradictory evidence is reconciled by the difference between what I call public and private speaking. More men feel comfortable doing `public speaking,' while more women feel comfortable doing `private' speaking. Another way of capturing these differences is by using the terms report-talk and rapport-talk. "For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. Emphasis is placed on displaying similarities and matching experiences. From childhood, girls criticize peers who try to stand out or appear better than others." (pg. 76, 77) "From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. So they are more comfortable speaking in larger groups made up of people they know less well -- in the broadest sense, `public speaking.' But even the most private situations can be approached like public speaking, more like giving a report than establishing rapport." (pg. 77) "Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they wand so hard to comprehend and deliver." (pg. 81) JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TALK AND DON'T TALK. "For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys' relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics." (pg. 85) "Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own styles because we assume we all live in the same world. [A] young man in [Thomas Fox' college] writing class noticed that his female peers refused to speak with authority. He imagined the reason to be that they feared being wrong. For him, the point was knowledge, a matter of individual ability. It did not occur to him that what they feared was not being wrong, but being offensive. For them, the point was connection: their relation to the group." (pg. 179) WHICH IS A BETTER LEARNING EXPERIENCE: BOYS PLAYING GAMES WITH COMPLEX RULES OR GIRLS HAVING VERY FEW, IF ANY, EXPLICIT RULES IN THEIR GAMES? "[I]t is not that the boys' behavior is more complex in general. Rather, boys and girls are learning to handle complexity in different arenas -- boys in terms of complex rules and activities, girls in terms of [non explicit] complex networks of relationships, and complex ways of using language to mediate those relationships." (pg. 181) WHEN DO WE LEARN TO BE DIFFERENT? "If it is fascinating to see the source of adult patterns in second-graders, it boggles the mind to see them in three-year-olds. No wonder it is hard for men and women to understand each other's point of view: We have been looking at the view from different vantage points for as long as we have been looking." (pg. 257) There is another quote on a page that I can't remember that goes something like "second-grade girls already have more in common with 10th grade girls than they do with second-grade boys." INTERRUPTIONS AND NOT GETTING AN EQUAL CHANCE TO TALK. "[I]nadvertent interruptions -- and the impression of domination -- came about because the friends had different conversational styles. I call these styles `high considerateness' and `high involvement,' because the former gave priority to being considerate to others by not imposing, and the latter gave priority to showing enthusiastic involvement. Some apparent interruptions occurred because high-considerateness speakers expected longer pauses between speaking turns. While they were waiting for the proper pause, the high involvement speakers got the impression they had nothing to say and filled in to avoid an uncomfortable silence." (pg. 196) THE EFFECTS OF FOREIGN CULTURES. "If cultural differences are likely to cause misjudgment in personal settings, they are certain to do so in international ones. I would wager that the much-publicized antipathy between Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev resulted from cultural differences in conversational style. According to Nancy Reagan, `From the moment we met, she talked and talked and talked -- so much that I could barely get a word in, edgewise or otherwise.' I suspect that if anyone asked Raisa Gorbachev, she would say she'd been wondering why her American counterpart never said anything." (pg. 207) Another example of "foreign" cultures relates to Americans from different backgrounds, not only of obvious ethnic differences, but even, for example, simply from different parts of America. On page 201 Tannen points out the different backgrounds and conversational styles of Jewish New Yorkers (and many New Yorkers who are not Jewish), who "have high-involvement styles and are often perceived as interrupting in conversation with speakers from different backgrounds, such as Californians. But [on the other hand] many Californians expect shorter pauses than many midwesterners or New Englanders, so in conversations between them, the Californians end up interrupting. Just as [the author] was considered extremely polite when [she] lived in New York but was sometimes perceived as rude in California, a polite Californian was shocked and hurt to find herself accused of rudeness when she moved to Vermont." Still another example of cultural difference is that of an American tourist in Turkey trying to refuse a street merchant. "She found herself holding a stone head, and when she told him politely that she did not want it, he would not take it back. Instead, he thrust forward another one, which she also automatically accepted. Since the man would not take either head back, the only path to escape she could envision was offering to buy them. She cut his price in half and hoped he'd refuse so she could move on. Instead, he agreed to drop the price and she dropped the two heads in her tote. But as she handed him the money, he handed her a third head. ... Seeing no alternative, she paid for the third head and stalked off -- shaken and angry. When ... she showed her purchases to custom officials [at the ship, they] had her arrested and thrown into jail for trying to smuggle out a national treasure. The third head was a genuine antiquity." (pg. 281) THE BOTTOM LINE IN ALL OF TANNEN'S RESEARCH IS: "We all want, above all, to be heard -- but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood -- heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we mean. With increased understanding of the ways women and men use language should come a decrease in frequency of the complaint `You don't understand.' END |
a must-read for everyone who talks to the opposite sex
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| Reviewer: , |
| This book can change your life, but only if both you and your spouse read it. Or a good handbook for singles, hoping to figure out just what exactly that other strange species is really saying. What is most impressive is how even handedly Dr. Tannen treats female- and male-oriented communication styles, noting that neither style is inherently better, but just profoundly different, and that understanding the basis for how women and men communicate so differently can really lay a groundwork for avoiding lots of misunderstandings. This is absolutely true. As a man, I am amazed that Dr. Tannen has such a solid and objective understanding of male-pattern communication styles. I certainly learned a lot about how women communicate, and thus have avoided perhaps 50% of the misunderstandings in my marriage. Now if I can only get my lovely spouse to "just read the book" (which alas has turned into my final defense on more than one occaision), we can eliminate the other 50%! |
Enlightening and Powerful Communication Tool
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| Reviewer: , |
| I read this book many years ago, and have since given it as a gift many times over. Ms. Tannen gives us a clear picture of WHY men and women's communication styles are so different through studies and examples that are easy to read and understand. This book has given me information that has proven invaluable over time in my relationships with both men and women. I have given this book as a wedding gift and have been profusely thanked by both husband and wife. I have also given it to a few teens who are just beginning to get into the world of male/female communication (or lack thereof). It has been well accepted and appreciated. My own experiences have been less frustrating based on a better understanding of where we are going (communicatively) and why. Thank you Deborah Tannen for a wonderful gift of insight! |
A very enthusiastic five stars
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| Reviewer: Joseph Dewey, Orem, UT USA |
To start my review of this book, let me tell a story that's an applicable analogy.
A scientist named Alec loves research, and he is working on an invention for this formula that grows plants in the desert. As he nears completion of his research, the government becomes interested in it. Alec finishes his formula, and it works exactly the way that he had intended. He's about to use it to grow plants in the desert when the government steals it from him, and uses it to make a bomb, to destroy the desert country that Alec was trying to save by growing his plants.
Deborah Tannen is that scientist.
Her research is pure...her research is good. However, this book could be used for any purpose. It could be used to bring a husband and wife much closer together. It also could be used in the most horrific ways to manipulate both men and women.
This book explains everything. It explains why men won't stop and ask for directions, and more importantly, why women want them to. It explains why women get jealous that their husbands talk to people in groups, but then their husbands won't talk to them when they are alone.
And, it kept explaining things....I can't think of any common male-female difference that this book didn't explain and have a model for why.
Also, I felt a little gay when I was reading this book, because I thought.... "These are things that I'm really not supposed to know." I feel like I had learned too much, like I had stumbled into a temple that held the keys to the secrets of the universe, but that I was not ready for it.
And, it's more slanted toward women than toward men. That's okay, but I think that half of the all of the copies of this book that sell have been sold to women. And the other half of the copies of this book that sell are sold to those same women who then give them as gifts to their male friends, who end up shelving the book. I ran into three guys so far who had been given this book as gifts, but who haven't opened it.
This book has more content in five pages of it than many books have in all of their pages. Even if I hated this book, I would have to give it five stars, because it's got so much good research in it.
But, I loved this book, and so I'm giving it a very enthusiastic five stars. |
It may not be a guy thing (or a girl thing)
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| Reviewer: Terrell Miller, |
| One of the things I've noticed about books like this is that the author comes up with a "matrix" of different, usually opposing, characteristics (in this case, human behaviour), then uses that matrix to explain *all* the differences in behaviour. Here Tannen expresses every described conflict between men and women *solely* in terms of gender differences. SOme are, some aren't. Books like this sound very plausible when you are reading them, but then if you read another similar book, you notice that the second author uses an entirely different set of "parameters" for their own matrix (which is quite plausible when you're reading it as well). Trouble is, the two matrices that sound so compelling are totally incompatible and in fact contradict each other. Moral of the story: it doesn't have to be accurate, it just has to be plausible enough to get a publishing deal. Good case in point: Tannen mentions the trouble she had with a new computer purchase. The first time she took it back to the shop, the repairman was very unhelpful and spouted a bunch of gibberish at her. Later, she took the computer back and talked to one of the saleswomen, who solved her problem. Conclusion: men are unfriendly and one-uppers, while women are helpful and nurturing. Problem is, I've known many women who act like the uncommunicative repairman. And I've seen many males who are very helpful and can easily help solve people's problems. So this wasn't a male-female difference that Tannen experienced, it was simply that the first person she encountered (who happened to be male) was a very technically oriented type; he probably wasn't trying to be rude or unhelpful, he was just not too great at verbal interaction. Likewise, the second person Tannen met (who happened to be female) was in sales, a "people person". She was the type of person who is empathetic and able to communicate ideas and understand where someone else is struggling. There are many other scenarios in this book that have other explanations other than guy thing/girl thing. So a very large caveat if you want to buy this: the author isn't really trying to accurately *explain* why a conflict happened, she's just illustrating the central thesis of her book. A little more objectivity would have been quite welcome. |
If you're from Mars, this book may need translation
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| Reviewer: , LA, CA, USA |
| John Gray did the male gender no favors by characterizing us guys as "from Mars". Fortunately, Deborah Tannen knows better. Despite her male detractors, who usually find fault with what they consider overindulgence of the more estrogen-laden of our species, Dr. Tannen strives (and succeeds) at maintaining a refreshing academic distance from a strong gender bias in this seminal work. Her anecdotal examples of male and female communication styles are convincing and rub no ones noses in their own verbal messes. Having found impenetrable more than one woman's labyrinth of words and feelings, it was quite comforting to find from a woman a sympathetic spirit. If you have tried reading "Men Are From Mars..." and were put off by the premise, "You Just Don't Understand" may provide a welcome alternative in the male/female communication blues. |
worthwhile read
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| Reviewer: , |
| Though I read this book about five years ago, it has stuck with me. Maybe because it was the first book I read on the subject, but it opened up my eyes to the various linguistic styles that I'd experienced previously but not actually recognized. For example, the girlfriend who poured out her problems to me but never took the "solutions" I offered frustrating me no end. It was classic "rapport-talk" -- she wasn't looking for analytical solutions, just the connection. Or the typical "report-talking" people I knew whose mission was to lecture you about something or other as oppose to conversing. I found it very eye-opening and didn't get caught up in the gender issues as other readers appear to have done. As for "lack of solutions" -- I don't know what kind of solutions people are looking for. Gaining the knowledge and ability to recognize such patterns which are the root of many misunderstandings offers a solution in and of itself. On the downside I do recall allusions to works of fiction giving the book a less authentic ring. |
Worth the read, but use caution
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| Reviewer: trw41, st paul, mn |
Tannen's book is well done and worth the read. However... it is also imbued with a subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle, bias toward a perspective which presumes female modes of communication and other activities to be inherently superior to those of males. Of course, this is a patently false presumption. The examples of female communications/activities are almost uniformly praised and those of males are much more likely to be disparaged, either subtly or explicitly.
If you read the book, and I recommend you do, you should keep an eye out for this stuff. You should not have to look far; if you do, that should give you pause. Actually, it is an excellent exercise in learning to spot this form of sexism.
Overall, still, highly recommended.
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Made me think, but missed the mark.
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| Reviewer: cityhawk, Boston, MA USA |
| The main thing that I give the book credit for is that it made me think about things that I do as a man and try to come up with my own explanations for my behavior, since hers clearly didn't resonate with me. I like to think of myself as "not a typical guy"; most of my women friends would agree. Yet I did recognize my own behavior in some of Tannen's examples. However, when she went on to explain why men do these things, it made me ponder my childhood relationships with other boys and, well, it wasn't anything like what she said. To be sure, there are boys/men who see the world in the binary one-up/one-down way that she describes. We've all met "super-alpha" men like this: the proverbial high-pressure salesman... the man who, upon entering a room where people are conversing, instantly creates a crowd. This isn't the way most boys/men are; some, certainly, but not most. Also, the assumption that men are universally combative is incorrect. I think a more accurate picture of most boys growing up is that we find ourselves unwillingly placed into competition by bullies/super-alpha boys. I found myself picked on or challenged constantly in my childhood, when, all I really wanted was just to get along with everybody and not have people hassle me. I think most guys would nod their heads with me on this one. This, for me, is a much better explanation why men see people as challenging them where women do not, as men are hypersensitive to such challenges... and if you failed to rise to the challenge, you were humiliated by the bully's gang in front of your peers. Boys too wanted to be accepted by their peers, and thrived on community. This explains the popularity of team sports among men. Some of the best memories of our childhood were our bonding with our teams for the unified purpose of winning a game. Another point completely missing in her theory was the fact that, from a very early age, boys are "taught" not to show vulnerable feelings. Doesn't matter how enlightened your parents were. Unless you grew up in a vacuum, your peers would be sure to teach you that. This would explain why men relate to each other without actually ever talking about themselves or their deep feelings, but rather like to keep topics to common interests (most of the time). Likewise, in male-female relationships, women are just as likely to be controlling as men. Women take different approaches to control, as brute force doesn't usually work for them. The idea that every woman just tries to get along flies in the face of the facts in some of my less successful relationships; I tend to be conflict-averse (a trait she attributes universally to women). I have infuriated some past partners who found "verbal sparring" a meaningful form of engagement (a trait Tannen attributes universally to men). Anyway, she came up with some interesting observations that, I think, are universal to most men from super-alpha to enlightened/sensitive men, then used an "all men aspire to be super-alpha males" approach to try to explain them; and the converse seems to be true of her approach to explaining female behavior as well. |
Put the ego aside
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| Reviewer: L. Power, San Francisco |
As I read these reviews, it is interesting how some male readers take this personally. One reviewer writes even the title "You just don't understand" shows an anti men slant to this book. Isn't understanding a two way process?
I look at this book for ideas to improve my interactions with women, and there are plenty of insights and examples if one puts one's gender bias aside.
Let's face it, communication is a two way process, so we need to understand as well as be understood. Men live in a world where we are direct, and say what we mean. Men, tend to bond through activity, and talk to communicate content or information. Women live in a world where they talk to form emotional connections and bond. Women speak in an indirect language style, expecting us to get it. We take comments at face value, they look for meaning or context and significance, and expect us to get it.
Example 'Do you want to stop for coffee? Decoded 'I want to go to the bathroom. I want you to stop at the next place.'
Man response: 'No, I am not thirsty.
Two hours later they are still on the freeway, and she is squeezing her knees together holding it in.
A man would have difficulty understanding why she didn't just ask him to pull over at the next rest stop.
I do like this book, and it does contain great examples of how to communicate with women, which I will use from here on out although it could be done in a much more humorous way perhaps. I recommend Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It, which explores all aspects of differences between males and females, and is very amusing. This also has the coffee example I gave above.
Women like details, such as the music that was playing, the flowers on the table, the candles, the place settings, the invitations so if one can communicate in that style you can light up her neural pathways, and spark those connections and the emotions that go with them. Men don't understand the significance women place on minor details.
As long as us men don't get these little things we operate at a disadvantage, to those who do. |
8 years later, still worth reading.
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| Reviewer: , |
| Deborah Tannen's "You Don't Understand" was the topic of our men's (age 50 & over) once - a - month afternoon discussion and dinner gathering in the spring of '92. Not surprisingly, several of us were undergoing unrecognized mid-life crises issues with our marriages. "You Don't Understand" opened my eyes dramatically. It had a profound effect in my understanding the communications problems I was having with own wife and women in general. You don't have to be a scholar or scientist to understand the value of a book that offers enlightenment. There have been a number of more popular books written on this theme since '91, but Deborah Tannen's name and book are seared in my memory for ever. Not many books or authors can command that respect, and not many have helped me resurrect my own marriage as this one did. |
Required Reading for Everyone!!!!!
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| Reviewer: William DeMarco, Reading, PA |
| Deborah Tannen has earned the Honor of having "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" placed along side the ONLY other book that I currently own. The other book is "The Elements of Style"; by Strunk & White. Don't get me wrong; I read incessantly, but rarely keep any of the books that I purchase or borrow. I believe the two (2) books referenced above should be required reading for every American. Period! I won't pretend to know what age would be approriate or most effective for Ms. Tannen's book, but it certainly would go a long way in solving many of today's communication problems between ALL people. I primarily base my opinion of this book on: 1)my having read it, and 2)my having learned the hard way what this book lays out for you in plain English. I managed a team of 12 Finance professionals in NYC for 10+ years; consisting of men & woman of various ages, nationalities, and religions. In time, I learned how to effectively manage such a diverse group by gaining an undrstanding of how each person interelated with everyone else. I HIGHLY recommend this book! |
Conversation Matters!
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| Reviewer: Erin Scott, Michigan |
| The communication barrier that exists between men and women is explored in the book, You Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation. Linguist, Deborah Tannen, takes a look at various situations that women and men, girls and boys, encounter on a daily basis. Tannen believes that our difference in conversation stems from the way that we are raised as children. The values that society places on gender roles are apparent when it comes to communication style. Tannen wants her readers to be able "to sort out differences based on conversational style." The real-life circumstances that Tannen incorporates into the book followed by a detailed explanation of how the incident can be interpreted, allows readers to examine their own lifestyle and possibly make beneficial changes. Tannnen's goal is help people make sense of the differences that surround them. She says, "We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood." |
Virtually the only coherent book on this topic
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| Reviewer: kitode, SF Bay Area, CA |
Look, gender-based communication style doesn't explain EVERY behavioral difference between a man and a woman, and certainly Tannen has biases as an author, but taken for what it is, it's exceptional.
There are enough "what he said, what she heard" jokes going around on the internet that it's obvious that most people pick up on a difference in communication that's gender-based. What Tannen has done is tied this back into a cultural worldview, the culture of men and the culture of women, and talks about how these are and how these interact.
Since she wrote this, she's directly applied the concepts to the business world in a different book. She also did a parenting book. Personally, I like this one the best.
It's a quick read and it's very interesting. The examples are great and, unless you never deal with adults or children of the opposite gender on a 1:1 basis, you really should give it a peek. |
Definitive guide to avoiding misunderstandings with the opposite sex
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| Reviewer: Marshall Lord, Whitehaven, UK |
This is one of the most useful books ever written, and far and away the most helpful I have seen on the topic of how men and woman can understand each other better.
Dr Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics; her first book on the subject of communications was called "That's not what I meant." That book had ten chapters about alternative aspects of differing conversationsal styles and the misunderstandings they can cause. One of those ten chapters dealt with gender differences. But as Dr Tannen explains in the preface to this book, 90% of the feedback and requests for interviews or follow-up articles in respect of the previous book concetrated on 10% of it - the chapter on male-female differences.
The reason is not hard to seek. Differences in geographical origin, profession, race, class or ethnic background can easily be associated with differing communication styles which can lead to misunderstandings, but we are not required to build our most important and intimate relationships with people from whom we have such differences, though some choose to. But none of us can avoid having relationships central to our lives with people of the opposite sex; all of us have one parent of the other gender, the 90% of us who are heterosexuals have to look for our life-partners among the other gender, anyone who has a child has a 50% chance of having to raise someone of the other gender.
So Dr Tannen set out to explore communications and misunderstandings between men and women, and this book was the result.
I had been married less than two weeks when my wife and I managed to almost exactly act out one of the first examples of a male-female misunderstanding given in this book. Dr Tannen had presented in a Washington Post article a real-life conversation between a couple in their car.
The wife had asked "Would you like to stop for a drink?" The husband, taking the question literally and precisely at its face value, answered "No". The woman, who had expected her husband to realise that she did want to stop for a drink, was upset because it appeared to her that he ignored her wishes. The man, when it came out later that his wife was upset by this, was equally frustrated, wondering "Why didn't she just say what she wanted?"
Luckily when my wife and I enacted an almost identical conversation, (substituting a chinese takeaway for a drink) she added the comment "I really fancied a chinese" before it was too late to get one. If I had not read this book I might well have been hurt or confused and asked something like "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" As I had, I recognised at once the easily rectified misunderstanding we had fallen into, stopped the car to get the takeaway, and we avoided what could have developed into a completely pointless row. This was the first of a number of occasions when the book has helped us communicate better.
Dr Tannen is at pains to emphasise that she is not suggesting that men's or women's ways of speaking are necessarily better, just different, and that both sexes will be able to communicate more effectively if they have an understanding of those differences.
This book helped me for one to do that, and I strongly recommend it. |
Good insights on different genders' communication styles.
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| Reviewer: , |
| Even though I feel that some assumptions or conclusions are based on American culture (as a foreigner living here), several statements hold true in other societies as well. I don't agree when someone said the author didn't offer the solutions. What she was trying to do was analyzing the problems, causes, and consequences. In doing so, the readers gain more understanding of their problems in communication and in the process adjust themselves or see more through the problems to make their real-life situation better. Some parts of the book were written with a little bias since the author is a woman. I'm satisfied with the information and the insight I gain from the book. The only thing that bothered me was her using fictions as examples in several cases. I just personally do not think they are strong enough evidence to support her point of views. |
helpful and mostly objective
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| Reviewer: njreader, Trenton, NJ |
After about 50 pages into Deborah Tannen's book I found myself checking the copyright date to check the year it was published. I knew it was published in the early '90s (1990 to be exac), but it still reads like a cutting-edge piece of work. Tannen, who is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and also a published poet, playwright, and short-story writer, devotes 300 pages to breaking down one primary conversational difference between men and women: Men commonly use a "reporting" style of communication while women typically use a "rapport" method. Moreover, men are concerned with a societal hierarchy when speaking, conscious of whether they are one-up or one-down in a conversation and concerned about maintaining or assuming a communicational edge. Women, on the other hand, want to develop more of an egalitarian status with the person they're speaking with and are less concerned with being competitive. In fact, women will often downplay their accomplishments and accentuate their problems to achieve conversational intimacy and kinship. Men are hoping a conversation will result in increased self-status; women are hoping for a deeper connection and friendship.
Obviously, these differences can make for some difficulties in the sexes communicating, particularly in intimate male-female relationships. Tannen doesn't go so far as to offer any solutions (no one could do that), but she does develop these problems on a more thoughtful and helpful level than, say, Dr. Phil or John Gray. As Tannen presents numerous case studies, anecdotes, and literary references throughout the text, it ultimately seems clear that men are the ones responsible for many communication problems, mainly because they lack the necessary skills for more sophisticated conversation. When confronted with conflict in a relationship, men will often 1) shut down and choose not to communicate at all or 2) resort to problem-solving, trying for a quick fix rather than listening or sympathizing. To Tannen's credit, she never lays blame on anyone and even points out the many common of flaws of female communication techniques. Her main goal with the book is to make men and women aware of why they are having problems, which will hopefully lead to more tolerance and patience, if not necessarily change, which Tannen explains out may be too much to expect.
Though Tannen declines to make the connection, there is a clear relation between conversational styles and political philosophies. The ruggedly individual style of the men aligns with conservative politics, and the communitarian style of the women with a more liberal view. To me, constantly looking for a competitive edge in any conversation would be exhausting and even a little obnoxious. But evidently many men feel that is this is the nature of how society works - a constant "I must protect what's mine" mentality that is engrained in a survival-of-the-fittest theme. Life is a test, and if you fail then you are appropriately placed in a lower tier of the hierarchy, these men seem to think, which may help explain why some conservative thinkers think a certain level of poverty is also a natural aspect of a free society. Women, with their more compassionate outlook, are more concerned with a complete relationship, regardless of intimacy level, which one could argue is a more liberal and even socialististic view, which may help explain why there are probably more women liberals than men, and probably more women who are more inclined to perform charity work.
Perhaps one of the more interesting aspects of the book is the mention of how many American men are frustrated by speaking with other American men, but feel more comfortable conversing with European men. The men Tannen spoke with said that European men are less competitive during conversations, and they don't feel as if the European men are lecturing them. Perhaps this also has something to do with a generally more egalitarian way of thinking in many European countries.
Of course, the points Tannen makes don't give the right to generalize, and it's also quite possible you know many men with "female" conversational style and vice-versa. Tannen makes this clear several times. Nevertheless, there is a great deal to be learned here and would probably alleviate a lot of frustration in many personal relationships if Tannen's conclusions are used for future reference.
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Many Valuable Insights
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| Reviewer: Jane Rhynn, CA |
I'm aiming this review at those who see the reviews claiming this book is saying men are evil and women are good and wondering if it's really worth getting it. Sexism against men happens, just like sexism against women, but I wouldn't include this book as an example of either.
The author claims that many men and women have problems communicating, and not just in personal relationships. The problem isn't women, and the problem isn't men. The problem is that the conversational style of each tends to have a different focus, a different style. And she does not stereotype every man and every women either. She lists plenty of exceptions both ways, and also points out (with examples) that men and women from different cultures also have varying styles, too. She goes into how class and background can also affect things, but her book is big enough without trying to map that out in exacting detail, too. I found many interesting insights into myself I hadn't caught before, and many of her examples struck a chord with me, matching my own experiences in one sense or another.
What have I, as a woman, learned from reading this book? Just off the top of my head, that a man who answers a question I ask about him with, "Nothing," isn't saying "There's nothing personal I want to talk about with YOU," but that he really doesn't see anything worth mentioning because what he considers worth talking about is very different from what I consider worth talking about. To not be hurt if he talks a lot at public gatherings but hardly says anything to me privately. That if I want to bond with a guy, I might try something more physical than verbal (like say playing a video game with him--oh dear, is it okay if I beat him? :P) How to avoid blaming him for a breakdown in communication and how to avoid having him blame me for the same thing. That when speaking publicly at a meeting or debate with others, I should prepare myself to compete for the floor better, and once I get the floor, to avoid personal anecdotes if men compose the majority of the audience (which they likely will).
The last is really helpful to me because I often use personal observations and experiences to explain my ideas and the reasons for my intentions, and this usually works with other women, but men often dismiss it (sometimes scornfully) as "anecdotal." And men might learn how to use that themselves when trying to convince me to change my mind or my course of action, because such "anecdotal experiences" help me understand far better than their more abstract (and sometimes detatched) way of explaining something does. That's right, just as my personal anecdotes tend to be dismissed by men, I tend to dismiss what many men see as reasonable and logical (but I'd say is dogmatic and kneejerk) the same way, only I'm usually too polite to point it out (though I try to lead by example and use what they consider "anecdotal" and it leads to something of an endless loop where we keep talking past each other). Men could also gain some useful tips on how to build up rapport with not just intimate relationships, but with women in business.
That is to say, this book isn't just "women need to change" or "men need to change" but that "men AND women in our culture need to be aware of certain differences." That men can learn from this book and improve their interaction and relationships with women just as women can do the same in learning to work and coexist with a man. Or to use the author's own words from the book:
"Such impasses will perhaps never be settled to the complete satisfaction of both parties, but understanding the differing views can help detoxify the situation, and both can make adjustments. Realizing that men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships, a woman can observe a man's desire to read the morning paper at the breakfast table without interpreting it as a rejection of her or a failure of their relationship. And a man can understand a woman's desire for talk without interpreting it as an unreasonable demand or a manipulative attempt to prevent him from doing what he wants to do."
And in her concluding paragraphs:
"Sensitivity training judges men by women's standards, trying to get them to talk more like women. Assertiveness training judges women by men's standards and tries to get them to talk more like men. No doubt, many people can be helped by learning to be more sensitive or more assertive. But few people are helped by being told that they are doing everything wrong."
Further down:
"Understanding genderlects makes it possible to change--to try speaking differently--when you want to. But even if no one changes, understanding genderlect improves relationships. Once people realize that their partners have different conversational styles, they are inclined to accept differences without blaming themselves, their partners, or their relationships. The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation--or a relationship. Nothing hurts more than being told your intentions are bad when you know they are good, or being told you are doing something wrong when you know you're doing it your way."
In short, this is a very useful book, IMO, in helping to open the lines of communication between men and women, of making progress in understanding the other baffling gender without blaming them or blaming yourself (whatever your gender may be). I think it's worth adding to your collection and worth reading more than once. |
repetitive pop culture
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| Reviewer: Karen Sampson Hudson, Reno, NV United States |
| Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand", although written in pop culture style and full of needless repetition, nevertheless can provide fresh and relevant suggestions for women and men. Using a multitude of examples from books and movies, she demonstrates the many miscues men and women encounter in attempting to communicate. Anyone who reads this book will find at least one "Aha!" moment, explaining a misunderstanding from the past. Despite Tannen's efforts to legitimize both male and female styles, and to emphazise that each gender must make an effort to be aware of the style of the other, this book may be depressing to feminists. One of its central dilemmas, never adequately addressed, is that professional women who want to be taken seriously must learn to converse like men, even though both men and women resent this in a woman. In many cases, to be successful, a woman must learn to give up her natural communicative style, even though men will label her "too aggressive" and women will find her off-putting. Is it still "a man's world" after all? Many female readers will find this book humorous in unintended ways, as a large number of them learned even as little girls talking to their father, to accept and accomodate the male style of conversation. Most of us concluded long ago that if we want intimate sharing, we turn to our friends for "girl talk." There are some new relevations in the sections on gossip and on talking about others behind their backs, which Tannen presents as a way girls use to gain status by telling secrets about "popular" girls, thus seeming to be intimate with the popular ones and gaining reflected status. (This would imply that "popular" girls have little need for gossip, which may be true. By the same token, a girl who frequently gossips and backbites cannot expect to be truly popular, since other girls will sense they cannot trust her when she is out of their presence. In my own view, I have always seen gossipy behavior as a sign of jealousy; it's definitely a "low-status" thing to do.) One final observation: Tannen makes no allowance for temperament, which can make some women outspoken and blunt, and some men sensitive and indirect. People vary in much more than just their gender. |
She just doesn't understand
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| Reviewer: , |
| The following are just a few of the more glaring weaknesses of this unfathomably popular bit of pop-psychology masquerading as linguistic science. 1) It's empirically feeble. For example, what can you say about a book purportedly about the difference between male and female speech patterns that doesn't even mention the phenomenon of swearing. In Debbie's world, profanity --surely a genuine hallmark of the masculine linguistic style-- doesn't exist. 2) It's claim to gender objectivity is bogus. I mean, the giveaway is right there in the title: "You just don't understand!" Does anyone reckon that to be a gender-neutral utterance? Hardly. This book is actually a prolonged whine about those darn guys who just can't read the nuances of the supposed feminine speech code. 3) Theoretically it is a mess. For example, a basic premise of the Tannen worldview is that men are hierarchical critters, while women are natural egalitarians. She actually routinely compares men to pack animals like dogs. The notion that women are non-hierarchical is already pretty staggering (I mean, did Deborah Tannen never attend high school?). But her next move, that of associating men's alleged speech style with hierarchy, and women's alleged speech style with an absence of hierarchy, flies in the face of common sense. According to Deb, the male style of plain, blunt, confrontational speaking is hierarchical, whereas such a style is in fact a hallmark of egalitarianism if anything. What Tannen identifies as female speech patterns --indirect, allusive, mutually face-saving-- is a courtier's style of speech, proper to sharply stratified social contexts. Elsewhere, Tannen has actually championed Japanese linguistic protocols as a model that Americans could benefit from, and compared Japanese styles to what she idealizes as feminine speech. Professor Tannen: Japanese society is not particularly famous for its classless, egalitarian character. Your theory stands reality on its head. See Toqueville and Mrs. Trollope on American bluntness of speech as the natural social product of a socially egalitarian society. 4) This book is one massive over-generalization. Yes, there is some element of truth to Tannen's description of feminine speech codes. Her description holds true for a certain subsegment of white middle-class American womanhood. To the degree that it is true, these women ought to take remedial lessons in plain speaking, rather than expect the rest of the world to adapt to their passive-aggressive habits of parlance. Most of the women of the world, however, just don't suffer from this problem. Tannen sometimes comes close to acknowledging this, albeit in a somewhat bizarre fashion. As in the case when she nominates Italian women as expections to her feminine rule. Apparently Italian women have no trouble expressing themselves in a forthright manner. Brava for them, say I. This being the case, the syndrome of indirectness that Tannen implicitly treats as a hardwired element of the female mind is obviously a cultural construct after all. On the other hand, anyone who likes that "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus" slurp is likely to enjoy the Debster too. |
Disappointed in some of the negative Reviews here
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| Reviewer: Cuvtixo, Arlington, MA USA |
| Males have different speech patterns than females. Dr Tannen writes that the similarities and differences of conversation styles hold between young boys, old men, and younger men compared to females of various ages. Class, regional and other differences, on the other hand, all change depending on age and circumstance. The author also takes into account statistical evidence, so what she reports aren't gross "overgeneralizations." Yes, there are exceptions to gendered pattern speech, but gender differences are huge and highly significant. Tannen generally presents examples of male and female speech as illustrations, not evidence. I found the book helpful in my personal life as well as extremely interesting. I suspect some of the negative reviewers here have some sort of personal agenda, and may have rigged the ratings, because they're clearly not helpful. |
Very helpful in improving communication
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| Reviewer: Fire Bug, |
| It is not for nothing that therapists say communication is one of the main reasons couples come for counseling. My boyfriend and I found we couldn't talk to each other in mutually satisfying ways, or resolve difficulties through dialogue and, after about 2 1/2 years, were about to break up. As an alternative, I poked around on the net and in bookstores, found this book and suggested we read it together. We've had a few sessions with it so far. Of course one can pick holes in any theory. We don't agree with, or relate to, everything Tannen writes. But, this reading project is giving us a larger framework within and against which to discuss our differences and views. Unlike previous discussions, which generally spiraled into blame-game arguments, we're having some of the best conversations we've ever had. It's not about who's at fault. It's about clarifying for each other - and ourselves - the expectations and intentions behind our words. Our self-awareness and understanding of each other is progressing and so is our relationship, in a positive direction. I highly recommend. |
Excellent--Reread it Every Year!
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| Reviewer: Jenny Walsh, TX |
This book will open your eyes and give you tools to figure out conversations you have every day! (I also highly recommend another of her books, _That's Not What I Meant!_ about cross cultural speaking, which includes a chapter about men and women as well.)
I purchased this book 12 years ago and reread it about every year. I continually get new insights into my life from these ideas, helping me make sense of a world with different speaking styles and mindframes. Deborah Tannen is an interesting, funny, intelligent, and talented linguist and writer!
Contrary to some reviews, this book does not favor one style of speaking over another. Men and women are both portrayed as using valid frames and styles (some styles may be used more by men than women, or vice versa, but these styles could be used by either gender). The importance of this book comes as we learn that there are different ways to see and participate in the same conversation. With this understanding comes tools to help humanity understand each other more.
Here is an example: One person may perceive a conversation about which groceries to buy as a simple request for information. Consequently, that person may wonder why the other person requires so much input--just buy the groceries already--what we normally buy is fine! The other person may view the same conversation viewed through the lens of connection--the grocery shopping will affect them both and the negotiation is about pleasing them both. Additionally, it may represent future events that they will do together, or plan on doing separately, but need to integrate their plans so everyone's needs will be met. Are they planning a barbeque for the weekend, or do they want to soon? Does that study session require anything special? The girl's movie night is coming up and special food is needed for that. A special occasion is coming up--what would they like to do? Plan a special meal? Go out to eat? Spend it somewhere else? Thus, one person's view of the conversation and its underlying assumptions with affect them both--and may even cause a fight that neither of them will understand, unless they have tools such as the ones provided in this book. Neither view is more valid than the other, but they ARE different. Once those two people realize their own focus and the focus of the other person, then they can address the underlying assumptions they each carried to the conversation.
Knowing that there are different lenses to view a conversation can help us step back and realize which ones we are using and figure out which ones others around us may be using.
I highly recommend this book! |
Must Read!
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| Reviewer: SevenDelta, |
| Short review: If you hope to understand the other sex, you must know how to communicate. I read this book years ago when it was featured in several seduction books. I recently skimmed it again and found it just as relevent and just as excellent. If you have doubts, nearly 500 other authors have referenced this book. Enough said. |
Over-simplified version of life that doesn't ring true.
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| Reviewer: , |
| This book aspires to explain sociological conditioning of the sexes in an over-simplified manner. While the idea that men and women communicate differently is one with socio-linguistic merit, and worthy of study, it is not soley GENDER based. There are more issues to be explored and included that were not (class, age, background, to name a few). I was disappointed. |
Worthwhile for most people, men or women.
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| Reviewer: M. Wang, CT United States |
This is a very good book for anyone interested in gender differences, particularly with regard to peer expectations, communication habits and social instincts. The author touches upon a broad range of issues, but she also keeps the narrative flowing, using examples extensively. The end result is a book that is both educational and enjoyable.
If I have to nitpick, there are two minor details I would prefer fixed. The first is the author's assiduous refusal to acknowledge any biological influence in gender differences. As any parent would know, boys and girls do come in different psychological packages. Modern researches have also confirmed this common sensical notion repeatedly.
The second is the fact that the gender differences discussed in the book are centered on the US. The author does mention briefly that this is the case, but I wish she had expended a couple of chapters on the European and Asian norms. |
Getting to Awareness
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| Reviewer: D. M. Weimer, Berkeley, CA |
| This is the second time I have read this book. In my first relationship, it helped me to understand her point of view. Unfortunately, we never got past that. In my current relationship, we are reading this book and another by the same author simultaneously and discussing the meaning and implications of the material. I find that the material is very good at explaining common misunderstandings that arise in relationships. It's not very good at going beyond that, i.e. explaining or suggesting what you do with the new understanding. However, in my opinion, having awareness of what is happening is a major step in moving forward in any relationship. That is what the book was meant to do and it succeeds very well. I recommend it to anyone who finds themselves stuck in a recurring loop of "he said, she said." |
It was a huge help
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| Reviewer: John W. Cunningham, Cincinnati, Ohio |
| I was looking to understand why it was so hard to get my point across to my partner and picked up this book. I was pleased and surprised to find that this book went so much further than the typical relationship communication book. It was a HUGE help. |
Essential to relationships
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| Reviewer: , |
| I originally found this title through a referral in Lori Gammon's threesome book. Although she recommended it as a bi seduction aid, I believe that ALL couples should learn how to tell their partners what they want from each other, in bed and otherwise. This book explains all the communication pitfalls couples encounter in a close relationship and how to overcome the problems that result. If you don't know why you aren't happy, read this book and find out. |
Interesting and Insightful
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| Reviewer: , |
| At first I reacted negatively, writing Tannen's thoughts off as pseudoscience from an academic. But as I thought through my negative reaction I realized, ironically, that it was because I was finding it insightful. I'm in continuous contact with a lot of people everyday and Tannen's material was shedding a lot of light on what happens in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. The book is a practical guide and has helped me to understand why people react the way they do in conversation. I've also learned how I can change to facilitate better conversation and understand people better. The overall result to date as been positive and while I don't pretend to be a perfect person to all people, I find myself much more satisfied and comfortable among people. |
I use this textbook...
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| Reviewer: D. Lindsey, Kentucky |
| This textbook is used in many of my communications classes at the University level. I recommend all books by Deborah Tannen. |
It was very illuminating!
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| Reviewer: , |
| This book really helped me understand all the frustations I've had talking with my husband are not so much "him" as it is a "guy thing". He read it also, and told me that it was an accurate reflection of how men communicate. As a woman, I felt it was also accurate on women's conversational styles. I'm back to buy two more copies to give to friends - I find myself saying (repeatedly) "you need to read this book!" It is really fasinating when read in conjunction with "Sex on the Brain" - which discusses some of the biological differences in the sexes. |
Now you Understand: Men and women in conversation
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| Reviewer: Katie J. Conley, Santa cruz, Ca |
| This is an excellent well written book. It sheds new light on gender differences helping the reader become more flexible within their own own conversations. Must buy easy reader for a busy person on the go. This book is written in short, page to two pager excerpts, that make it convenient for the person with a minutes here and a minute there. |
A book to help make communication easier
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| Reviewer: M. Ennis, saugerties, ny |
"You Just Don't Understand" is a very readable book with plenty of examples and data to back it up. I found it to be amazingly accurate and it really has helped me communicate better with men. I know that sounds so weird, but there really are differences in how many men and women use language. For example, most men use language to convey information and to create a pecking order. Most women use language to create bonding and to create an even playing field without a pecking order. In understanding those differences and more, I am now better able to understand why a man may say certain things and hence better able to take it as it in the spirit it was given, rather than feeling hurt. It also has helped me speak to men in a way that they will understand and will not see as demeaning myself in the pecking order.
Over all I found this book an entertaining read and very practical. If you have ever been frustrated in a conversation with the opposite gender, this book may shed some light. |
You Just Don't Understand
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| Reviewer: Gerard Reed, |
Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, has (in addition to scholarly publications) written two popular books which help us understand why we so often fail to understand one another. Tannen's You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation (New York: Ballantine Books, c. 1990) deserves its best-seller accolades and rewards careful reading. We (men and women) don't understand each other, Tannen says, because we too often ignore the differences between the sexes. Men and women forever long to live together, to share life together. We easily acknowledge biological differences. But too often we assume that as persons we're more alike than we are. There is, today, intense political pressure to blur any distinctions, insisting that we must all be equal in everything, that acknowledging differences is discriminatory. "Much as I understand and am in sympathy with those who wish there were no differences between women and men--only reparable social injustice--my research, others' research, and my own and others' experience tell me it simply isn't so. There are gender differences in ways of speaking, and we need to identify and understand them" (p. 17). Such is the intent of her treatise.
In her first chapter, "Different Words, Different Worlds," Tannen deals with the fact that while both sexes desire a degree of both intimacy and independence, women tend to more value intimacy while men tend to more value independence. Women often encourage and appreciate advice when making decisions, but men often resist and resent it. Even at an early age girls often prefer to play in small groups, pairing off, if possible, with their best friend, while boys tend to play highly-structure outside games in large, hierarchical groups. In one of her research projects, she watched videotapes of conversations, ranging from second graders to university students. "I was overwhelmed," she writes, "but the differences that separated the females and males of each age, and the striking similarities that linked the females, on the one hand, and the males, on the other, across the vast expanse of age. In many ways, the second-grade girls were more like the twenty-five-year-old women than like the second-grade boys" (p. 245). Whether this is a genetic or cultural difference is, in my view, rather irrelevant--we must deal with the solid realities of our world rather than the fantasies of social engineers.
Consequently, when men and women talk, they engage in cross-cultural communication. "Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we're in the same one, so we judge each other's behavior by the standards of our own" (p. 254). This causes "asymmetries: women and men talking at cross-purposes," the subject of the second chapter. Women, Tannen, says, often just want someone to hear what they're saying, to share their experiences, to empathize with their feelings. Men, on the other hand, usually talk to accomplish a task. to act, to address a problem by solving it. When discussing their problems, "Women tend to show understanding of another woman's feelings. When men try to reassure women by telling them that their situation is not so bleak, the women hear their feelings being belittled or discounted" (p. 59). Men, on the other hand, tend to not talk about problems unless they think they can be solved as a result. Thus, in public meetings, which by their very nature are rather action-oriented, men usually talk much more--and more aggressively--than women. Then, to their spouse's amazement, they say little or nothing at home. "Men feel more comfortable doing 'public speaking,' while more women feel comfortable doing 'private' speaking."
Another way of capturing these differences is by using the terms report-talk and rapport-talk" (pp. 76-77). Women seek to establish intimacy through rapport-talk; they develop and cultivate a network of friends with whom they constantly communicate. Men, on the other hand, try to preserve independence through report-talk; they usually discuss politics, sports, work, investments. "The game women play is 'Do you like me?' whereas the men play 'Do you respect me?" (p. 129). This often leads to tensions in the home. Tannen repeats a joke her father likes to tell: "A woman sues her husband for divorce. When the judge asks her why she wants a divorce, she explains that her husband has not spoken to her in two years. The judge asks the husband, 'Why haven't you spoken to your wife in two years?' He replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her'" (p. 188). It's a stereotypical story which Tannen finds true to type.
Women routinely complain that their husbands don't talk to them, won't listen to them, won't share the daily details of life with them. "He seems to have everything to say to everyone else, and nothing to say to me," they lament. Men, however, often think their wives talk too much, start nagging once the honeymoon ends. "For many men, the comfort of home means freedom from having to prove themselves and impress through verbal display" (p. 86). The real problem, Tannen insists, is this: we have different conversational styles; we fail to understand what our spouse is saying--or saying by not saying anything.
Given the gap which separates us men and women, how then should we talk to each other? In some ways, it seems to me, the answer is quite simple. First we recognize and even celebrate the ineradicable, God-given differences which make complementary unions possible. Perhaps we can let God be God, men be men, women be women. Secondly, if we understand Tannen's presentation, we can learn (if we're men) to simply listen more without thinking we must solve every problem women may discuss. If we're women, we can learn to respect a man's need for silence, to know that silence does not mean lack of interest or affection.
Finally, and especially in public meetings, men need to realize that their accustomed communication style tends to be aggressive and domineering . . . and that women's voices, aired more through questions and suggestions, can be wrongly ignored. Men simply must give more attention to women who are colleagues or friends. Women in meetings, on the other hand, should not interpret men's assertive style as efforts to dominate women. "The effect of dominance is not always the result of an intention to dominate" (p. 18). If only we can begin to rightly hear one another, if only we become adept at cross-cultural communication, some of the flack and fall-out of the "war between the sexes" (which seems to be heating up, some think) may subside!
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Useful insights into gender differences
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| Reviewer: Alan A. Elsner, Washington DC |
Deborah Tannen made her reputation with this examination of the differences in the ways men and women communicate. As a novelist, I found it quite useful in terms of understanding how women think and speak. As a reader, I found it amusing and entertaining.
As a critic, I do find it a little simplistic. The main thesis is that women value community, empathy and friendship within a group while men are always struggling to find their place in a hierarchy and if possible raise it. According to Tannen, this colors how they think and speak.
Men are always trying to grab the leadership role by interrupting, hogging conversations and offering practical information. Women on the other hand find comfort in offering and receiving comfort and avoiding confrontation.
There's certainly some truth to this. Which husband hasn't had his wife say, "These shoes are killing me?" When he replies, "So get some new ones," she is offended and upset. What he should have said was, "Oh I know exactly how you feel. Mine are killing me too."
Am I alone in detecting some subtle prejudice in Tannen's analysis? Reading this book, I occasionally felt the discomfort of the unsubtle, brutish, less-evolved half of the species confronted with the superiority of the female. We're certainly living in a rapidly feminizing society. Tannen describes how little boys in school struggle to sit still, pay attention and follow instructions while their female peers have no problems whatsoever. All these boys want is to be boys. Eventually, given time, they will civilize themselves -- kind of.
What I say about gender variations of this kind is, "Vive la difference."
I find that being a man suits me quite well. I like finding practical solutions and communicating information in brief bursts. I'm comfortable reading the newspaper at the breakfast table in companiable silence. It doesn't mean I don't love my wife. It means there's room in my life both for my love for her and my desire to read the newspaper over breakfast.
Having read this book, I've decided to try being a little more empathetic in my interactions with women. But I will never, ever say my shoes are killing me, even if they are. I'll just change them. |
Interesting gender-based models of conversation (3.75*s)
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| Reviewer: J. Grattan, Lawrenceville, GA USA |
The author, a sociolinguist, maintains that the importance of having successful conversations in all areas of our lives requires that we be aware of fundamental differences in the way in which men and women converse and relate. She admits that there is a certain amount of stereotyping in her arguments because numerous individuals, whether it be due to factors of class, ethnicity, intellect, age, economic standing, social position, psychological health, etc, do not conform to her gender-specific conversational models.
There is little doubt that communication styles are culturally learned, first within families and then from peer groups. She notes that children invariably play in same-sex groups and at a very early age begin to exhibit distinctly different communication styles along gender lines, which are reinforced and refined through adulthood.
The author's model for female conversation focuses on their desire to connect to other women in a mutually supportive manner essentially as equals, sharing intimate concerns, secrets, gossip, and the like. On the other hand, men eschew such closeness and seek to maintain their independence and status in a hierarchical world. Friendships for men are largely based on shared activities and oftentimes playful aggressiveness. For women, seeking help is a request for understanding and support, whereas for men, requesting or seeking help is played out on a scale of dominance and competence. To help is to give advice and enhance superiority, while the requestor's status falls. Women can see long-winded advice as non-supportive, while men typically don't see as helping lengthy discussions of feelings about troubles.
The author explores the issue of who talks more, women or men. Location is key. Women greatly prefer small, private settings where rapport can be established. It's hardly surprising that women are frequently the primary conversationalists in families, the ultimate private setting. However, men endeavor to enhance status outside the home, in public settings including the workplace, where impersonal information is the currency used. For women, the lack of intimacy in the public realm inhibits their preferred conversational mode. Conversely, men view the home as a place where status does not need to be constantly established and is a haven from unnecessary talking.
It is interesting that either men or women are often not viewed favorably when they dare to adopt the conversational style of the opposite gender. The female boss is probably the outstanding example. Men resent an aggressive female, when they are not in a position of being able to compete for dominance. On the other hand, many men dislike consensus-building approaches that require a lot of talk, especially of a personal nature.
Any model of complex human behavior will fall short, as the use of language most assuredly is. However, there usually is some truth in stereotypes and that is case with the author's gender-based conversational models. Undoubtedly men and women that rigidly conform to these models would have trouble communicating, as the book repeatedly captures. However, most people are more flexible; they subtly negotiate and adapt their interactions beyond these stereotypical models. The book is interesting and could be a wakeup call for those who are misreading their partners.
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Quite good
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| Reviewer: Ms Diva, Nanaimo, B.C. Canada |
| I read this book when it first came out in paperback, and I've gone back to it more than once since then. I thought that the majority of Tannen's arguments made sense. She did a good job of backing up her thesis. She writes with a clear, concise style. I have used the book to help in communicating with some of the men in my life. I appreciate that Tannen acknowledges these gender differences as being rooted in culture rather than biology. My only criticisms of the book is that the author does tend to generalize. There are problems with some of the studies she cites, as well. However, these issues don't take away from the fact that the book is an interesting and easy read. |
Psychogibberish
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| Reviewer: tzefirah, Media, PA United States |
| Having studied linguistics in depth over the years, especially Tannen's mentor, Robin Lakoff, I feel this book does a disservice to its topic. I think that, as old as they are, the best books on the subject of man-talk versus woman-talk are by Dr. Joyce Brothers. Men come off rather badly overall in this book, which I think reinforces the stereotypes of men being rotten communicators who never listen. The book gets one star because it has an excellent reference list and great notes. |
An explanation for "testosterone poisoning"
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| Reviewer: Fran Stewart, Hog Mountain, GA USA |
In an earlier edition of this book, Tannen said she was "married to a man who is a partner and friend." In the margin, I wrote "What a novel idea!" And when she wrote "It is a continual source of pleasure to talk to him," I wrote "Wow!"
Yes, I was addicted to exclamation points seventeen years ago, but you get the idea. Any woman who has felt frustrated at having to babysit a male ego can benefit from this book, mainly because it gives women a way to understand that we are NOT required to "babysit" our husband / partner / colleague's ego. If we learn to understand the ways in which the men in our lives use the same words as we do, but mean different things by them, then we have a much better chance of connecting on a meaningful level. It is, after all, far better to understand, than it is to denigrate another person's communication style.
As a mystery writer, I have to write male/female conversations. I use Tannen's book often to help me try to "get it right," and I always put this book on my Recommended Reading list for the writing classes I teach.
I can't speak to whether men would get anything at all out of this book. Women, though -- don't you know what it's like to stand and listen to men talking and feel that wave of testosterone leaking out of every pore? Reading YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND helped me not to feel threatened by male conversational styles. It helped me grow up. And I sincerely hope it helps you, too. |
groundbreaking
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| Reviewer: David Group, Buffalo, NY |
| More than any other book/movie/person/whatever, this book has made me understand how women think and why they do the things they do, and why communication between the sexes is often an exercise in frustration. I read this while writing my first novel, and it made me go back and rewrite some of the dialogue. And most women no longer think of me as a total ...I would like to see a study done on the effects her books have had on domestic violence. This, along with her other books, should be required reading for everyone. In retrospect, it is astonishing to think that the sexes have co-existed so long without fully understanding each other. |
A lot of what we know is wrapped up in words...
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| Reviewer: Olga Werby, |
For an interesting foray into conversational differences between the sexes, consider reading Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation." You've probably noticed that a lot of my book recommendations have to do with books about language. Our memory is supported by the structural skeleton of language--a lot of what we know is wrapped up in words. The biggest failures of communication between product designers and their audience come from language failures.
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Interesting and usefule...
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| Reviewer: Anne Mattos-Leedom, El Dorado Hills, Ca |
Clearly men and women have difficulties communicating at times and it can be extremely frustrating inside of relationship. Learning the dynamics of successful communication takes patience and a willingness to understand that men and women ARE different. Tannen's book demonstrates this fact in an easy to read and useful style. I also highly recommend Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy by Sharon Rivkin. Rivkin shows that we often fall into a particular pattern of arguing that can live on for the life of a relationship and create painful and ongoing conflict. Her highly effective techniques show how to resolve conflicts in a simple, three-step process and turn even the most argumentative relationships into loving and intimate bonds that can last a lifetime.
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A great book for couples
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| Reviewer: Juan Gallego, Winnipeg, MB, Canada |
| This book is a great read for couples and single persons who wish to understand how the opposite sex thinks. I would describe this book as an intellectual version of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." The author uses great examples to illustrate her points and often employs role reversals to show how both sexes can approach problems from stereotyped points of view (i.e. both men and women can be insensitive). Well worth the money. |
Classic
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| Reviewer: Joan, New York City |
| This is a great book for couples who are having communication problems. It explains the difference in conversational style used by men vs. women. (Women vent -- men offer unwanted solutions.) |
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