 A MUST-READ if you are or were ever abused by your partner. |
| Reviewer: Groovy Vegan, USA |
This book is by far the best I've read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc. "Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men's groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.
Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men's program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader. One woman had been in couple's counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn't been facing how badly it was hurting his wife. On the way home from the session, the husband kept one hand on the steering wheel and in the other clutched a large handful of his wife's hair, repeatedly slamming her into the dashboard as he gave her a screaming, expletive-filled lecture for revealing the abuse to someone outside the family. Bancroft strongly recommends against couples counseling for abusers and any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in hopes he'll change too. This type of therapy doesn't work and can even be counterproductive for reasons Bancroft explains in detail, and the abuser often ends up charming the therapist who may end up siding with the abuser. Besides, abusers often are fairly well versed in anger management skills and conflict resolution. They simply don't respect their partner enough to bother using these skills.
Other books are often good at describing abusive behavior, but this book describes not only what they do, but why they do it and how these men think. When Dr. Phil sees an undesirable behavior, he asks, "What's the payoff?" I.e. what rewards is the perpetrator reaping from behaving this way? Unlike the other books I've read on abuse, Bancroft thoroughly explains what these abusers are getting from the behavior. Unfortunately, the rewards are so powerful, that many abusers refuse to do the hard work of changing their attitudes and behavior. Another important reason the behaviors are so entrenched, Bancroft points out, is that is that abusive men were often conditioned from an early age to feel entitled to be a privileged character in relationships where the partner caters to them. The abuser's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, as well as double standards. One common double standard is that only the abuser is allowed to express anger in the relationship, but not his partner.
This book provides good news and bad: The good news is that abusive behavior is understood like never before and is a solvable problem. The bad news is that it generally requires a serious commitment by the abuser to go through every step of a quality program for abusers. Even for abusers who enroll in a such a program, only a small percentage bother to do every step of the difficult, uncomfortable work of change. If your abuser doesn't think he has a problem, his prognosis for change is ZERO.
A couple small quibbles, but these in no way detract from the book: (1) I'd like to see more writing devoted to the tactics of passive-aggressive abuse. Bancroft mentions that it's common for men in his program, once they realize abuse will no longer be tolerated in their home, to switch tactics from overt abuse to passive-aggressive. But beyond that, he doesn't cover it much. (2) Bancroft mentions other professionals in the abuse field whose work he admires, and also some things in the literature he disagrees with. I would have preferred it if he named the authors and books he disagrees with.
I can't recommend this book highly enough, particularly to individuals who are or suspect they are in an abusive relationship and the individuals who care about them, women with have a history of abusive relationships who want to break the pattern, mental health and legal professionals who deal with abuse, and parents of sons who don't want them indoctrinated by the media, family and friends to be abusers themselves.
P.S. Thank you Lundy Bandcroft for writing this book. You've done humanity a great service.
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A very poignant explanation of controlling men - please read
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| Reviewer: K. Owens, MN United States |
| Lundy Bancroft has captured within this book the heart of one of the biggest problems being involved with abusive and controlling men - the constant and neverending struggle to understand why he can be so cruel when he swears he loves so much. It is at times a very painful read, especially when Mr. Bancroft tackles all the myths women have relied upon to rationalize and somehow justify or downplay the abuse. He has de-mystified these types of men and has explained the source of their actions and mindset with a clarity that can be as frightening as it is freeing. You will not find one excuse you've ever used to justify an abusive partner's treatment that isn't addressed in this book and shown for what it truly is. If you are, or even think you might be in an abusive relationship, or trying to recover from one, this book is an absolute must read. In fact, I would even recommend getting it in hardback; it will become your bible of liberation from the crazymaking created from being involved with an angry and controlling man. |
Because he can!
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| Reviewer: , |
| When most women ask "why does he do that," they are searching for an answer that will help them to make an abusive relationship better. This book makes it very clear that the answer to the question has nothing to do with the abusive man's partner, and everything to do with a sick and destructive need for complete control over another human being. I have read a number of books about abuse and control, and many of them are very good at deconstructing the dynamic between a controller and his victim. The difference for me is that many of those books have been by women who treat victims. This is a book by a man who has worked with batterers. I am not disparaging the work of women (and men) who work with victims--I was once one of them. What I am saying is that, as I read this, I felt a deep sense of validation, that the "other side" of the story, which many books get at through stories with victims, isn't something imagined or theorized. Controllers do know what they are doing. They understand that it hurts. They don't want to change. And I and other victims cannot change them. An outline of the specifics of abusive and controlling men makes it very clear that the "circle of influence" for women does not extend to the abuser. It may sound cliche to say you must save yourself, but after reading the many facets of abuse and the way they surface, a victim will understand will great clarity that her precious energy must be used to care for herself and her children. And pulling back that energy, for me, has been a critical step in surviving. And for going through the family court system, if that is what a woman chooses to do. The other unique and invaluable aspect of this book is the way in which it pinpoints how the family court system--law enforcement, judges, lawywers, GALs--can and often does revisit the trauma of abuse on the victim by becoming triangulated with the offender. A woman who thinks she will find accountability in the family court system may be in for a big surprise. This book can prepare a woman for the reality of the process and help her anticipate what tactics her abuser may engage in. It is daunting, but had I had this book several years ago, my own experience might have been different. This book is easy to read but I have underlining and notes on every page. Even after the fact it has helped me to understand my own situation better, and to give me hope for the life I can give my child. I recommend it strongly. |
A life-saving book and best available
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| Reviewer: Book Lover,, California |
I can't say enough about this book. It saved my sanity, and turned on lights in my head about what was going on with my fiancee that made me desperately confused and miserable but that I couldn't quite grasp. As Bancroft explains, this is largely because the abuser makes you question everything you think, feel, say or perceive. And the abuse nearly always, takes place in private, rarely if at all in front of others.
I found "Why does he do that?" by accident while searching Amazon for another on abusive relationships, Patricia Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which a friend who had left an abusive marriage recommended to me. Evan's book is good, Bancroft's is great and even more authoritative for two reasons: 1) he has worked with abusive men, not as part of couples therapy, for years; 2) he is male, and most other books on abuse are written by women. This is important, because few people, including therapists, understand emotional and psychological abuse, and like I did before having it happen to me, tend to think claiming "abuse" may be exaggerated because it's a woman's gender perspective.
The book is strong stuff, though. It blows away many myths about abuse, such as abuse is caused by an abusive childhood. It is not. And that couples therapy, where the abuser and partner take 50/50 ownership of the problem, is good and helpful. Absolutely wrong. These and other myth-busters are based on solid research and data.
If you've been in an abusive relationship without really seeing or understanding the dynamics, it's shocking to learn the abuser's motives, consciousness of what he is doing while denying everything, and determination to win at your expense.
The profiles of the types of abusers and their range of tactics are extremely helpful. I was bowled over to see my fiancee described perfectly in the Water Torturer and Mr. Sensitive. I learned that the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior that I was living with and baffled by is typical. Around you he's abusive; in public he's delightful so no one can even imagine him being anything but the nicest, most charming person.
The saying is, "the truth shall set you free," and this book is the most truthful, accurate information you can find. Knowing what's actually been going on does set you free. But it's also sad and painful. It's especially freeing, and sad, to learn that only a very small percentage of abusers change, even after going through a high quality, special program. There's just too big a payoff for them to stay the way they are. They easily move on to a new relationship with a woman who will take years figuring out what's happening to her.
I had just left my 11-year relationship when I found this book. A year before I left, I'd contacted his ex-wife of 20 years to see if she could shed some light on what was happening to me. She said she'd left the marriage for exactly the things that I was experiencing. Even then, abuse is such a loaded word, I didn't think I was truly being abused. Now, though, I know. Wish I'd had this book in hand earlier. But even after-the-fact, there is so much processing and healing from the experience that this has been a life-saver. |
Should be required reading in Life 101
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| Reviewer: Douglas Bryce, |
This book has already saved two very sweet and spiritual young ladies from bad marriages, that I personally know of. Reading ONE PAGE was enough to pique their interest. By the next morning, they had read all the scripts the SOB had used on them so far plus the ones he would use if they stayed around. Engagement off, and no looking back. I keep score of my life by such events as preventing a nice, loving young woman from becoming an abused, bitter mentally ill mom. These are treasures in Heaven as far as I am concerned and that's why I am writing this review.
Remember those few really sweet, really kind, pretty, loving girls you knew in highschool? Remember how the good looking jerks usually got them, and in their 30's they finally divorced some guy? There's a hidden kind of abuse. It's not studied much because it's not considered a mental illness. Most family type counselors are criminally ignorant of the nature and effects of it. I am a civil attorney who doesn't do divorce, but I have a lot of first and second hand experience with this hidden abuse. Example: One day a client of several years' standing came into my office - about 2 years after her husband of several decades had divorced her. She was still the same sweet, loving person, but there was both a glow and a lack of something - perhaps self doubt, perhaps other things as well. I was floored and asked her what had happened. Let's just say, the ex-wife was now secure financially. But the glow and that lack of something? That was from an intensive camp she went to for emotional abuse victims. After 20 years of twice weekly therapy, nobody had told her she was being abused, much less what to do. She finally found out what the mechanisms were, how to deal with them and how to heal; and was a new person in 2 weeks. She was sending her kids to this "camp". I knew an address book full of people who needed this and asked the cost. $20,000.00 or so. "Is there a reading list?" I glumly answered. There was, thank goodness.
Why Does He Do That was the first book on the list. I was almost in shock as I read it. The patterns of abuse (and angry and controlling women abusers use most of the same tricks) were so familiar, repetitive and sprang from such a cruel, amoral emotional base that it was stunning. The title explains the syndrome in a nutshell. Nice person links up with seemingly great guy or gal but their life evolves into a self doubting miserable self loathing Hell. Other people blame the "messed up" Nice person, but that's part of the plan. Nice person asks "Why does he do that?" when he/she is abused, because the true answer is literally inconceivable to them. That's how they were picked in the first place. Little digs which didn't get an angry response, facial expression, etc.
When something hurtful is said or done by the abuser, and questioned by the abusee, there's always an explanation or, if necessary, a tearful apology and promises of undying love, etc. But Bancroft counsels abusers for a living and what he found is that the entire relationship is a source of pleasure to them. Messing with their victims' heads, tearing down their self esteem, alienating friends and family, and even the emotional "I'm sorry scenes" are all deeply pleasurable experiences. They may spend months planning their deceptions and deliberate injuries. Cultivating a false image in the community, and driving their victims to public acts of mental illness are deeply pleasureable. They're like bush league serial killers.
My favorite example: Several of Bancroft's clients told him the same story: They had hidden their wives' keys before an important appointment. When asked if they had seen them, they said no, but they concernedly helped look for them for an hour or so. Then, when the wife was desperate, they secretly put the keys exactly where they had been and pretended to "find" them. Wife swore she had looked there and hubby, lovingly and condescendingly, consoled her for her bad memory and constant delusions, like the compassionate loving guy he was, putting up with the overemotional, mentally unbalanced crazywoman she had become. This entire process gave the abuser great pleasure. The next time wifes caught these hubbies in a lie, they simply denied saying it and cited the lost keys incident, among others, as proof the wife could not trust her own judgment, memory or beliefs. Abusers will do this FOR DECADES. They do it to kids. The kids often learn to do it.
The victims, meanwhile, cannot believe that a human being would deliberately do such things, for pleasure, so they accept stupid excuses, tearful apologies etc. because the real explanation is even more impossible for them to believe. Cognitive dissonance becomes their way of life.
And the abusers are profoundly good at making false impressions. They have just a few victims and an army of character witnesses they have cultivated. People who would bet their life the abuser was unusually kind and compassionate. They pass psychological profile tests easily, and their victims test as neurotic. The more dangerous ones cultivate friendships with cops and judges and DA types. This comes in handy from time to time. And they enjoy every aspect of it, including their own tears. This abuse pattern is so common, it's almost normal these days, yet nobody talks abut it, even in legal seminars I have been to. Yet.
I guarantee that you know someone whose life would change if they grasped he concepts in this book. And my experience is that reading just a couple of pages will "hook" you. Concerned mothers and Dads should think of reading this bok to help save their kids from decades of misery.
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The best book on verbal or physical abuse on the market!
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| Reviewer: Kerry A. Bangs, Glendale, AZ USA |
I wondered "why do I CARE why he does it? It's wrong and I deserve better!" But even though my inner voice told me that, I could never really pinpoint the exact ways my husband mistreated me. He was a good man, and he truly believed he had the right to verbally beat me down the way he did. And I thought maybe he was right. He was more educated than I am, he made more money, his family had money. This book helped me give it a name, showed me that I'm not crazy and indeed have rights. It showed, with clear illustrations about other abusive men, that there are a myriad of tactics they use and anger is not their main issue. Control and being the authority on all subjects is their main objective. Being the one in charge, being the one to look good and feel good is their main goal. All the things he said to me to discredit me, to twist counseling around to fit his picture of what was "really" happening, how everything was perfect between us until I just ripped the rug out from under him and left for no reason... these are all CLASSIC tactics of an abuser, both during the relationship and after she leaves.
My counselor recommended it and finally, after lots of procrastination, I finally got it. And it makes me realize how strong I was to leave, and how lucky I was to get away. The emotional/psychological games, how I had to keep my opinions hidden and my feelings a secret just to be the fantasy girl he insisted that I be, the way he would just disregard my opinion about this and still does... it can make a girl feel so isolated, so bad about herself, and deep down...crazy! But this book showed me that not only am I NOT crazy, but that being imperfect is no reason to allow someone to do that to me. We're all imperfect, but we still all deserve better than this.
Unfortunately, I hoped that abusive men had some hope of changing. But this author has been counseling abusive men exclusively for over 15 years, and it's rare that a man actually faces what he's done. He gets way too many pay-offs for being this way. He gets the luxury of being king, of always being right, of his richeous indignation, of his anger and ability to express it whenever he wants, and a woman who will bend to his will if he yells loud enough or puts her down long enough. It's sad to know my husband won't change and I won't be able to have my family dream the way I thought I would when I said "I do". But at least I know I'm not alone... and no way on earth will I ever believe I"m crazy again. Unless I let it keep happening.
Follow-up Feb. 20, 2009: I just wanted to add that I've recently married an incredibly wonderful man. Even disagreeing with him is so EASY compared to what I suffered with my first husband. I'm learning for the first time in my life what a truly healthy relationship feels like. I would have NEVER found this paradise if I had stayed in my abusive marriage. It's so strange the hold these men have over us! I still dream about my ex husband all the time, but sometimes my new husband is there and he's kicking his butt. LOL Seriously, ladies... if you experience abuse, let me tell you that it has to stop. There is no excuse for the pain you are feeling, and it's NOT your fault. Of course, we are all imperfect and you're allowed to be imperfect, too. You don't deserve to be beaten down in any way. There is a bright light on the other side. Just walk toward it even though every inch of you is telling you to stay, that you "love" him, that you want to "help" him, etc. It's not worth it. But your future IS worth it. |
This book will put an end to your denial...
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| Reviewer: An Enthusiast, Cardiff-by-the-Sea, CA USA |
| I am still digesting this book having finished it a week or so ago. It was unbelievably enlightening and gave me clarity in so many ways. It is also heart-breaking in that the information in this book makes it hard to face up to the fact that your husband really is abusing you. In the types of abusers section, I was dumbstruck as he perfectly described my husband - a combination of the "Mr. Sensitive" and "The Victim" abuser types. It was also liberating to read how common the abuser has a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality. Part of my struggle has been the fact that our friends and family think my husband is the sweetest, nicest, most huggable teddy-bear of people and never see his controlling, jealous, manipulative and rageful side. This has contributed to my feelings of confusion and buying into my husband's explanations that there is nothing really wrong with his behavior, that I am overly sensitive, and can not be pleased (i.e. - it's all me). Please read this book if you suspect you are in an abusive relationship - have a feeling you are being treated badly, or just can't get clarity on what's going on in the relationship (very typical to feel this way in an abusive relationship). Thank you for this book as it both devastated me by revealing the truth and restored my sanity as it clarified my husband's behavior and tactics. |
AWESOME!!
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| Reviewer: J. Guidry, Baton Rouge, LA |
For the past year, this book has been like a bible for me. After 12 years of misery and confusion with my ex, this book answered why, as the title suggests.
But what has prompted me to review this book today is that it helped me spot a controlling man and avoid getting into a relationship with him. I just broke it off with him this morning!! I am ABSOLUTELY sure that if I not had read this book (over and over again), I would not have spotted the warning signs that Bancroft provides in this book. The book has made me very sensitive to controlling behavior, and I was able to see that this guy was controlling almost immediately--after only one date and a week's worth of email. Below, I describe what happened and some of the 4 warning signs I spotted, if you're interested.
On the first, 3-hour date, he talked and talked, didn't ask me ONE question (except if I wanted to go out again), and constantly changed the topic back to him. I initially assumed he was nervous. But, one warning sign Bancroft points out in the book is that abusive men are SELF-CENTERED, and the book exactly described this guy's behavior. Plus, when I looked back at my initial email communication with him (we met online), I noticed that he wrote tons about himself, asked me only two questions, and rarely commented on what I wrote.
Then, after the first date, the guy began emailing me twice a day. He started calling me beautiful and sweetie. He did this after I told him I wanted to take things slow. (I told him this because he attempted to plan two dates on our first meeting-one at his home.) So, this guy raised another red flag pointed out in the book: HE GETS SERIOUS TOO QUICKLY ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.
Also, the guy told me on the first date that he likes to date only one person at a time. It was like he implied that he wanted me to do the same. I was just getting to know him! He also later said he had this "weird problem with having multiple contacts with different people at the same time," and that he is "highly monogamous." Also, one day early in our email communication, he jokingly asked me whether I was checking out other guys online. Initially, this "highly monogamous" attitude may seem commendable. However, this attitude is actually another red flag pointed out by Bancroft: HE IS POSSESSIVE.
Finally, the last red flag this guy raised was that HE IS DISRESPECTFUL TOWARD ME. Three requests I made to him were not respected.
I told him I wanted to take it slow, but he started calling me beautiful and sweetie and continued emailing me twice daily.
He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with his sister and parents--on our second date! (His sister came into town unexpectedly, on the same night he and I planned to go out, and we were invited to tag along with the family.) When I declined and gave my reason, he didn't respond with "OK." Rather, he wanted me to first re-explain my reason.
When I emailed him that I didn't want to continue with the relationship because it felt unbalanced (he appeared to like me more than I liked him), his response was "Wow! All I did is ask you out for a second date....you are killing me LOL [laugh out loud]!!!!!"
One request he ignored (taking it slow), another request he questioned (going out with his family), and my last request was not taken seriously (his "LOL!!!" response to me wanting to end the relationship).
Of course, I don't know 100% that this guy is controlling and some people may think I overreacted, but I wasn't sticking around to find out. And it is not one or two of his behaviors: It was a PATTERN of behavior.
This is literally my favorite book, and I would suggest that EVERY woman read it. |
All of your questions will be answered with this book.
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| Reviewer: , |
If you are looking for a book to help explain emotional abuse, THIS IS IT. This book is unique in many ways, but perhaps the most helpful to me is when he mentions that marriage counseling will not and does not deal with is the emotional abusiveness of your partner. I am not discrediting marriage counselors, just that this is a whole new ball park, and I'm sad to say, this is the only book I've come across (and I've read a lot) that gets down to the REAL reason "why he does that". Please read this book. If this problem exists for you, you will find relief in the essence: "I could never put a name to what he's doing that makes growth in our relationship impossible. NOW I can put a name to it".
It explains in detail the many "personalities" an emotional abuser may adapt. One may apply or all may apply to the person in question. The most important aspect of this book for me, was, I now have the confidence and knowledge in an area that an abuser most definately and absolutely does not want you to know about him. This is the bible of all books tackling emotional abuse. Arm yourself with the knowledge and insight you will get from reading this book. Quite a feat, Mr. Bancroft. Thank you! |
A Highly Recommended Read
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| Reviewer: Stephanie Manley, Houston, TX |
This has to be one of the better books on the subject of emotional/verbal abuse. I think this book is best read after one of the Patricia Evans books. Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationships does a slightly better job of explaining exactly what verbal abuse is, but this book goes behind why the other person does this. Lundy does a fantastic job of explaining why in the world someone wants to abuse the person they are involved with.
Now, honestly, this book is written towards the female assuming the male is the abusive partner. The book explains why women are left in the lurch, and confused by a man's actions when they are emotionally/verbally abusive. Lundy is also very honest about the chances of that man changing and how you may be able to tell he is changing. He is also frank that most men do not change.
This book will completely validate the victim's feelings and let them know what their cycle of thoughts is, and the book will help you feel validated. One of the harder aspects of being in a relationship of someone that is an verbal abuser, is that the other person tries to redefine your reality. Lundy does a terrific job of explaining what the victim's thought process might be.
He takes a very analytical view of the abuser, abuse cycle, and the mentality of the persons involved with the abuser. He gives the sides of all parties involved. He also gives the victim a good idea of how to respond, and what to expect. Honestly knowing what is going on, and being aware of the situation can be enough to help a victim to get through the situation.
I liked the throroughness of the book, and what he felt were the positions of all parties involved. He goes into debt on the mindset of all parties, and helps to explain why each person does what they do in that situation. This book can be very validating for the victim, and gives them idea of what to expect in the future. This is a must read if you are interested in the subject of verbal abuse.
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Excellent, very informative
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| Reviewer: , |
| I absolutely love this book. It has helped me to see the truth about my relationship with my husband. One of the things which I like most about this book is that it's written by a man. The author has worked with abusive men, and he knows what he's writing about. He's very straightforward. The included lists are very helpful--myths about abusers, abusive attitudes, warning signs, etc. The "safety plan" for leaving the abuser is particularly helpful. The steps which an abuser must take to actually change is also included. This book is very good at describing what abuse IS. For example, grabbing, restraining, blocking your path, threatening physical harm (even if he doesn't actually carry out the threat) is physical abuse. These are all things which my husband has done. It is such a relief to know that someone has actually labelled these behaviors as abuse. (Although, at the same time, it's frightening to discover the awful truth, when I realize that my husband is, in fact, abusive.) I recommend this book to all women who feel they are being abused. I also highly recommend it to therapists--I think it should be required reading for all of them. |
I can't say enough about this book.
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| Reviewer: a reader, |
This book is, without a doubt, the most useful book I've ever read in my life. I read it about two years ago, and still think back to it often. At the time, I was involved with an abusive man and stuck in the cycle of trying to figure out why he acted the way that he did, and how I could improve the relationship. Now I'm not with him anymore, and I won't say it's just because of this book, but it certainly helped. And now that I really understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, I can be confident that I won't fall for it again. Since I read the book, I have met many men who in the past I would have given a chance (well, probably a bunch of chances) and largely because of what I learned from this book, I don't and won't.
The great thing about this book is that it makes it really hard for you to stay in denial, thinking he could change, he just has a bad temper, etc. It does that because what he says makes so much sense that you don't just have to take his word for it, you can use your common sense and see that it's true. And having that knowledge is the only thing that makes it impossible to manipulate me like my ex did. It is truly amazing how transparent it all became once I read this book. The last time we spoke, he tried to manipulate me like he always did, only this time it didn't work. And so he tried every tactic he had, one right after another, like he was going down a list. It would have been kind of funny if it wasn't so evil. He finally gave up and hung up on me when I started telling him about himself.
This book is so important that I wish everyone would read it, not just people who have dealt with abusive relationships....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right? This is the only book that I recommend to people on a regular basis and the only book that I can say really had an impact on my life.
The only problem is that it's so frustrating hearing the myths presented as truths everywhere you look, on TV, other books, in conversation, everywhere. I just wish everyone would read this book. |
Exceptional Insights, Compassionate Support
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| Reviewer: Robin Serena Lyn, Maine, USA |
This book stands out as an exceptionally compassionate, understanding, insightful look into controlling relationships and the men who operate them. Lundy Bancroft's writing is clear and well-organized, and always full of compassion for the women who, like myself, are or have been unfortunate enough to be involved with these men.
Over the years I have read a number of books on this subject trying to understand why these men act the way they do. This book finally and fully illuminates the mind of this type of man. Not an easy read for those of us who have lived it, but absolutely necessary. Every page rings true, very painfully at times, but also very healing.
I have read some excellent and helpful books, but this one finally reached into my soul and disabused me of the idea that controllers do their damage unwittingly. The author's compassion and respect for women is evident throughout and is both touching and strengthening. The clarity he brings to what constitutes a man truly desiring to change is invaluable. I urge anyone trying to "work it out" with a controller to read this book NOW.
I HIGHLY recommend this book and wish it were required reading for every judge who deals with divorce, PFA's, and child custody issues. Perhaps one day it shall be. |
Eye Opening!
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| Reviewer: Amanda C., |
| If there was an option for ten stars, I would give it ten, but as it is I have to settle for five. This book completely opened my eyes. I had always known that something was seriously wrong in my relationship with my boyfriend, but since he had never hit me or even insulted me I tried to pass it off as me just over-reacting. But this book completely opened my eyes to his manipulation, his controlling behavior, his possessiveness and the possibility of future abuse if I stay with him. I am still with him (as I just finished reading the book today) but now that I know how he works, I feel that I can slowly squeeze out of this relationship unharmed. I feel so relieved after reading this. I had thought I was insane for the better part of a year and making a huge deal out of nothing. I realize now that his behavior is a "huge deal" and I am perfectly in the right to challenge him about it. A must read for anyone who has concern or fear about their partner! |
A Must Read
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| Reviewer: , |
For anyone who has tried and tried and tried to either understand, make peace with, or HOPE an angry/controlling man will CHANGE... YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.... Reading this book has started me on a path to being in charge of my own life for the first time in many years. This book is clear and concise yet its message is very powerful. Angry and Controlling men are very very difficult to live with and almost impossible to change--why should they??--they almost ALWAYS get what they want one way or another. Their sense of entitlemant and almost total lack of empathy makes them very poor choices for a loving and respectful relationshp. The author addresses the dynamics of living with an angry and controlling man in a honest, direct manner borne of a lot of experience. It is easy to read, understand and; unfortunately for some of us, easy to identify with.
Reading this book is very affirming and validating to women who live with and endure someone who is angry and controlling. |
This book Gave 10 steps to see if an abuser is Changing!
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| Reviewer: , |
| I have been in a marriage less than four years, but it has been up, and down, back and forth the entire time. I kept thinking there is something I could do, something I could say... ANYTHING to help our relationship. All of my time and energy was being drained by my controlling and abusive, and yes, even Cheating husband!! Lundy Bancroft clearly states the 10 signs to look for, to see if he is truly changing. Mine did the first couple.. and then just as Mr. Bancroft mentions will happen, held onto his own sense of entitlement and refused to change any further. Why? Because he thought he could get away with it again! Without this book I would have stayed thinking he was trying to change. NOt anymore! With this book, I could see the abuser needs to take 10 full steps to change and become non controlling!! My Abuser still didn't allow me to be angry at him when he hurt me. Bancroft states that most abusers won't do this. My Abuser still didn't make me his true partner and equal. He acted like giving me just a teeny bit was more than fair, and expected me to believe his point of view. Because of this book I could clearly see that the small changes My husband was making were just that.. Small! And not what is needed for a healthy and real change. Bancroft also states the best way to get an abuser to change is to leave for awhile.. And then if you decide to go back, and he acts controlling again, leave again for a much longer time. It is true, most abusers won't change. I am divorcing my husband after giving him many chances to change and treat me better. This book has been a great relief... I highly recommend it. It says that abusers are not unable to change, they are unwilling to. That pretty much hits the nail on the head! |
From a Domestic Abuse counselor
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| Reviewer: Barbara,, Florida |
| I am a counselor at a domestic abuse shelter, and wish I could afford to give this book to every woman who walks through our door. One of the many reasons women stay stuck in abusive relationships is because they are "trying to figure him out" so they can make him happy, and make him change. Mr. Bancroft explains clearly why this is an exercise in futility. I was also very pleased to read his detailed accounts of the damage done to children in abusive homes, even if the abuser never touches them. IF HE'S ABUSING MOM, HE'S ABUSING THE KIDS --because they have to deal with seeing and hearing everything he does(which they do), and because his behavior wreaks havoc with family dynamics. If you work in this field, have any dealings with domestic abuse through the legal system, are a victim, or simply want to understand "what keeps her in this relationship" and "why does he DO that", then I encourage you to READ THIS BOOK! It is excellent. |
what a great book!
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| Reviewer: Sammy Madison, USA |
| The question "why did the person who claimed to love me so much attempt to destroy me" has led me to read and think a lot about the contents of hundreds of books. This is one of the best I have read. Lundy Bancroft gives a very simple and sensible answer: entitlement and lack of respect. The abuser feels entitled to a fantasy woman, who will gratefully smooth the way for him, providing him with a financial support, a clean, comfortable house, good food, unconditional emotional support, and a perfect, attractive, sex partner willing to do anything to please him. To obtain this, all he has to do is attract and court a woman who he fantasizes is going to make this happen. Saying the words "I love you" and a year or so of good behavior is a pretty cheap price to obtain a perfect servant for life. When the woman, who has no idea of his agenda, fails to live up to his fantasy, he concludes that he has been ripped off, that she has lied to him and failed him, and then he proceeds to try to destroy her. He may shove her, hit her, scream at her, or try to make her feel worthless or even insane. This is called devaluation. Lundy Bancroft lists the warning signs of a potentially abusive suitor, and a lot of misery would be eliminated if dating women were given this list to memorize. As well as explaining what motivates abusers, the book also reveals a lot about the methodical tactics of abuse that I did not find in many other books, particularly mind-boggling yet common tactics such as gaslighting the victim and alienating the victim from her friends and family through lies and manipulation. Abuse is not just physical violence. The chapter on how the abuser gets others such as the police and court officials to help in his abuse is simply horrifying. I would highly recommend this book to teens and women dating, women who feel that their partner is emotionally or physically abusing them, and therapists, police, and court personnel. |
It finally answered my questions.
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| Reviewer: The phoenix, Colorado Springs, Co |
This book has been the best book I have yet to read,and I've read several books on abuse. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and always knew something was wrong but eveything was always blamed on me. "You're too sensitive, You're blowing things up, It's not that big of a deal, It's all your fault." I was always so confused and hurt. And I had a million questions, like ,why does he tell me he loves me yet treats me so badly? Does he have a mental illness that causes him to treat me like this? Does he do it on purpose? Why does he only treat me this way and no one else? How can I tell if he is sincere when he says he's changed? And now that we are seperated why is he tring so hard to get me back when he never wanted me in the first place? This book answered them all and so many others I had and it also helped me see I am in no way responsible for his awful behavior. I highly recomend this book if you are in an abusive relationship, even if you have to hide the book from him.
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Why This Books Addresses the Real Problem
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| Reviewer: , |
| I have been involved in treating and researching spouse abuse since 1982. Not only have I conducted my own research in this field but I have reviewed most of the research published on spouse abuse treatment programs. While many treatments are somewhat effective, nowhere have I seen addressed the core cognitions that drive and perpetuate the aggressor's behavior in the partnership until now. The author has clearly laid out the thoughts and behaviors of the abuser in a way that is helpful not only to partners but also to professionals who have little experience in this area or who have inadvertently committed the errors that the author describes. By far the best book I have read on the subject. |
Lundy Bancroft Gets It
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| Reviewer: Ria Tanz Kubota, Bay Area, CA USA |
| As a survivor (not a victim) of domestic violence, and as a group leader of a support group, as well as an evaluator of risk, I am delighted and amazed with this book. This is as good as it gets! He understands and expresses the exhaustion, horror, and real danger women in domestic violence face in a way I've never before encountered in print. For example, he describes how men campaign to get the admiration of others, including her family and friends, and how they manipulate even the court system. How children, especially male kids, are apt to react is well-done as well. Without hesitation we read that Freud was an abuse apologist and that psychologists are still trained to think that way. The title is not the greatest, but the information is. This book contains the best list of resources I've ever seen in one place. If there were to be one book about domestic violence on your shelf, make it "Why Does He Do That..." the single best book on the subject ever written. |
This is the most revealing book I've ever read.
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| Reviewer: Carolynn Crowder, Atlanta, GA USA |
This book is a MUST for anyone who thinks they may be married to an abusive or controlling man! After a long term marriage my confidence in my own judgement was spent. I just couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. This book helped me realize how my ex had selfishly and intentionally manipulated my emotions and best intentions to satisfy his own desires. He had increasingly only feigned concern for me. Now I understand his moodiness, sense of entitlement and ability to hurt me without remorse.
Understanding the thinking that drove his behavior has helped tremendously. Instead of continuing to blame myself for being so stupid, and fearing letting anyone get too close, Bancroft has given me the tools to believe in myself again.
This book not only explains how someone can strip you of your self-esteem while you don't realize what is really happening, but gives tools to guide you through any future relationships. It outlines danger signs and different kinds of abusers so you can move forward with confidence. |
Valuable resource for those supporting abused women
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| Reviewer: , |
| This review is from the point of view of someone who has a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship. After reading this book you will clearly understand why the abusive man behaves the way he does, the thinking behind his behavior, and what he has to do to change. This book will help you understand how the man makes the abused woman feel and why she gives him so many chances. Outwardly, the abuser may seem to be a great guy; you may find that you *like* the abuser. Bancroft helps you see through the abuser's charming public facade. There's a highly useful section on how to support an abused woman that doesn't ignore the frustration you will feel if you find yourself in this position. The book is well-organized and lucidly written. Highly recommended. If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, or are in one yourself, you will be very glad you read this book. |
Should Be Required Reading for All Women
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| Reviewer: Rebecca Martin, Oklahoma City, OK |
When someone is a victim of chronic abuse, they inevitably end up doubting themselves. The abuser takes advantage of this by invading the victim's identity. He tries to replace her reality with his. He creates countless misconceptions to get her to doubt herself. He keeps her mentally and emotionally off-balance and maintains control more easily in this way.
In my personal experience, perhaps the most upsetting aspect of abuse is how society adopts the abuser's perspective. There are many people that inadvertently perpetuate the abuser's arguments. Just because "he's the father of your children," or "you made a vow: `til death do you part," does not entitle him to be abusive. Society needs to hold the abuser accountable. If someone takes a neutral stand, they are basically supporting the abuser and abandoning the victim. Everyone should remember that most abusers almost never "seems like the type."
The abuser quickly learns how to manipulate those that his partner might turn to for support, including the legal system. His objective is to prevent her from getting help, while concurrently striving to avoid accountability. His distorted reality sounds very plausible to those not well versed with the inner workings of an abusive mentality.
If the legal system fails to hold abusers accountable, the abuse and violence will escalate. No woman or their children should have to live the life of the abuse victim. Abuse is a problem that can be solved. As a society, we need to become more educated about what it takes to make an abuser stop. Because the abuser's primary weapon is the distortion of the life and mind of his partner, the answer is to help her re-orient her thinking towards herself and her children.
We can all make a significant positive impact on an abuse victim if we simply are the total opposite of what the abuser is: we must be non-judgmental, non-critical, supportive, and consistent. An abuse-free world is so full of potential. Everyone can play a role in ending abuse. A good place to start is by reading this book to learn about the excuses and myths that abusive men have used as armor and ammunition for too long.
REFERENCE
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. |
Just What I Needed!
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| Reviewer: M. Pierre, HAYWARD, CA United States |
| I cannot say enough good things about the book or the author, who took the time to write it all down, for us. I was right in the midst of a bad relationship, when I ordered a copy. I just opened it randomly, when it first arrived. It opened up to a section on the "demand man", and it was like looking right into the mind of my, now, former fiance. I read this one, along with several others, and it was truly a godsend. It broke down for me abusive personality types and "red flags" to look for, that I had previously ignored, and did not even understand existed. I very much appreciated the fact that this book was written to help the person being abused, to gain the strength and knowledge needed to make informed decisions and take action, as needed. It also contained resource information, which is invaluable. My advice would be to read it, for yourself, it can only help. |
Awesome!! A MUST READ for people in abusive relationships!!
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| Reviewer: Catherine Wanser, Tucson, Arizona United States |
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft was an amazing find for me. I had been looking for quite sometime for a book to help me through a very difficult long relationship which had ended due to mainly abuse. I found this book to be one of the BEST books I have ever read on the topic of understanding why men abuse women the way they do, what goes through their minds and I found myself checking off exactly what I had been through on each page. It was nice to hear there were more women out there who had been through similar situations or worse and I was not alone. I felt almost a relief upon reading this and the depression had slowly diminished.
I highly recommend this book, and HAVE to other people and friends of mine who had gone through bad relationships...
I am glad I bought this book! It helped me so much get through such a difficult time in my life! |
A Type of Abuse Not Described Elsewhere
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| Reviewer: NK, Philadelphia |
| This book was astounding! Bancroft's book is based on his experience as a co-leader for groups working with abusive and controlling men, most of whom were required by the legal system to attend the group. As Bancroft notes these type of men see nothing wrong with their behavior. Nor do they necessarily need to resort to violence or engage in substance abuse or other attributes that would make their behavior "problematic" to the "outside world." As such, they are not likely to otherwise become noticed by psychology, other mental health fields or medical disciplines. Consequently, Bancroft is in the unique position of being able to observe the behavior of a very abusive type of human being that even in the literature on abuse (including e.g. child abuse, adult survivors of childhood abuse, spousal abuse, family violence) has yet to be covered. Bancroft talks about an abusive person without excusing the abuse or attributing the abuse to factors such as mental illness or substance abuse. He has expanded his knowledge by extensive conversations with women in these relationships. He also describes a type of abusive enviroment that effects children that has yet to be addressed in the abuse literature (and one that even he has not yet fully understood - Bancroft sees the devestating effects on children raised in such an environment as a consequence of the abuse without realizing that the children may themselves be subject to the same type of abuse with a few differences. But Bancroft comes closer to describing this kind of abuse than anyone else in the field.) His book is written with incredible respect for the women in these partnerships and driven by a desire to aid them and provide whatever knowledge he can to help women out of these situations. (As he notes, his book is also applicable to men and women in similar same-sex relationships.) |
Best book to date on this topic
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| Reviewer: T Pace, TX |
| This is a remarkable book which dissolves the many myths both personal and social which surround abuse of women by men. By identifying the ways in which victims are compromised and their self-worth and world presence eroded over time, Bancroft exposes the various means men use to control and debase women. He has considerable experience of working with abusive men from all backgrounds, and insight into why traditional anger management or therapeutic methods do not work to stop men abusing women. Anyone who has ever been victimised or witnessed another's helplessness at the hands of an abuser will recognise each page and scenario in this book, and cheer roundly that someone at last found the complete text of words to identify and confront this painful, complex issue. |
The most practical book about abuse on the market
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| Reviewer: Niki, Bay Area, CA |
| I have read about 7 books about abuse, and this one is the best. The book is comprehensive, and is excellent at illustrating the uniqueness and personality traits of abusers and the wide range of tactics that they employ. This focus on abuse was helpful to me, because in other books I read that attempted to categorize abusive men, I had a hard time categorizing my psychologically abusive ex-husband, who didn't seem to fit neatly into any category that the author listed - which really frustrated me and planted seeds of doubt about my knowledge of abuse. This book made clear that abusive men don't necessarily neatly fit into categories, but draw from different categories and that each specializes in an area(s) of control particular to his own individual personality. This book does not go into great depth about why abusers do what they do - there are other authors who do explore that in great depth (Patricia Evans comes to mind). Mr. Bancroft's book is extremely practical. It does a great job of explaining how the legal system treats abusers, and what abused women need to be on the alert for, which is exremely useful, as most women end up leaving their abusers and having to deal with him legally. The book does a great job at making it clear that even experts in the field of psychology often don't understand abusers - that only the abused and people who specialize in working with abusers truly know how manipulative abusers are. And Mr. Bancroft does this without being arrogant -he talks about how he even he fell prey to their tactics in the early years of running his program. I think that the reviewers who have canned this book are likely abusive - they saw themselves in this book and are in denial. There are many books about abuse that use examples of abuse that are pretty minimal, borderline, trivial, real gray zones that we could all see ourselves slip into - and this book isn't one of those. The reason that so many reviewers say this book is male-bashing and point out that women abuse too, is because women abuse differently than do men. The kinds of abuse in this book are the kinds of abusive tactics that men employ. IF you want to read about the kinds of abusive tactics that women employ, read Dr. Laura's books. |
Traumatic Bonding (or, This is No Love Story)
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| Reviewer: Zinta Aistars, Portage, MI United States |
In the United States, two to four million women are physically and emotionally assaulted by their partners. At least one out of three American women will be a victim of abuse by a husband or boyfriend in her lifetime.
Author Lundy Bancroft was former co-director of Emerge, the first program specifically created for abusive men in the United States. He has worked extensively with abusive men for nearly two decades.
Bancroft outlines warning signs of an abusive man; ten abusive personality types; the role of addiction in abuse; what can and cannot be changed in abusive men; and how to get out of an abusive relationship safely.
First among 17 myths Bancroft dispels in his book is that the victim of the abuser plays any part whatsoever in the abusive behavior of her partner.
Bancroft writes: "Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not the product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser." (pg. 19)
Bancroft explains why therapy escalates abuse rather than alleviates it. "You can't manage an abuser except for brief periods. Praising him and boosting his self-opinion may buy you some time, but sooner or later he'll jump back into chewing pieces out of you. When you try to improve an abuser's feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse. An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands." (pg. 43)
With all this confusion in abusive relationships about what is and isn't genuine love, Bancroft offers: "Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion." (pg.65)
Most abusers cheat on their partners; it is a large part of their sense of entitlement. Charming and flirtatious when he chooses to be, he plays his women, friends and lovers, against each other. He uses women with no regard for the effect of his behavior on them.
Bancroft lists red flags for women entering into or already in abusive relationships; we can all be abusive on occasion, but watch for ongoing patterns that will not change even when confronted about the behavior.
Bancroft advises skepticism in the victim not yet ready to leave, and describes what to watch for: "giving you some extended room to be angry about what he did, rather than telling you that you've been angry too long or trying to stuff your angry feelings back down your throat," nor will he make excuses or try to offer rationalizations for his behavior. (pg. 133)
Bancroft discusses why it is actually more difficult to leave an abusive relationship than a normal relationship that has run its course. "The longer you have been living with his cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the more attached you are likely to feel to him, through a process known as traumatic bonding." (pg.134)
Recommendations are included for finding help-legal advice, support groups, therapy for the abused partner, hotlines and organizations to assist women in abusive relationships.
The book concludes with a call to action for society--to not look the other way when we see abusive behavior, to offer support to abused partners, to take a second look at the kind of behavior we encourage with the current trend to objectify women. Awareness and sensitivity to this epidemic of domestic violence (and make no mistake, emotional abuse, too, should be considered violence) can go a long way to eliminating it.
~abridged from Spring '08, The Smoking Poet
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THE Bible on abuse in a relationship!
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| Reviewer: Dorene, Anchorage, Alaska USA |
| Bancroft and his writings are a godsend. For anyone who may even wonder if what they're experiencing in their marriage or relationship is abuse of some kind...this will give you your answers. If you are involved with an abuser, you will know within the first couple chapters and you will know all about what is happening to you even half way through the book. This book will save your life if you listen, learn and hold tight to your boundaries! You deserve nothing less than happiness, love, and safety in any relationship! Take Care! |
Don't be afraid. Get this book.
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| Reviewer: CaptainSnack, USA |
| This is one of the most important books I have ever read. It should be required for teens getting ready to date as it clearly warns of signs of abusive men. I had no idea what it was like to be emotionally abused and physically intimidated until it happened to me. It is beyond devastating. It is shockingly easy for intelligent, caring women to be victimized unless you KNOW the signs and manipulations, which are not as obvious as you would imagine. This is important, really important, for your own understanding and healing. It is also important for every professional that comes in contact with an abused woman. This is not an easy book, but it is right on the mark and it is critical if you have ever been afraid in your relationship but aren't sure why. Trust yourself. Trust YOURSELF and get this book. Please. |
Wife receives Wake-Up Call!!!
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| Reviewer: An Apple a Day, USA |
| I have been married for six years to a man who has become increasingly abusive--emotionally, verbally, financially, and sexually. I fell into a major depression this year, close to a nervous breakdown. I went to counseling for years and sought intervention from numerous people. My husband told me it was all "me". A social worker told me that he saw warning signs of physical violence in the relationship. I went to the bookstore and discovered Mr. Bancroft's book. It confirmed everything I feared, I am an abused wife! I am a strong, independent, professional, educated woman! How could this happen?! I don't know that yet, but it's done and I'm responding. This book has been an incredible resource for me in answering to the manipulation and control of my husband. I have left him and I am SAFE! I thank God for Lundy Bancroft and his work. |
An Invaluble Resource
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| Reviewer: Susan Travers, Katy, Texas USA |
| After thirty years of marriage to a controlling and verbally abusive man, who also struggles with alcoholism, it was my good fortune to come across this excellent book. It far surpasses anything I have ever read on the subject of abuse. As I read the book, slowly digesting every chapter, the issues in my life began to make sense. Sometimes the words were so true to my situation, I felt the author was writing about my own experience. Many times while reading certain passages, I felt like my blood was "running cold" as things that never made sense to me became crystal clear. It has changed the way I think and respond to my husband's words and actions. Lundy Bancroft has done a wonderful service to any woman who has lived in an abusive situation and feels unsure about what direction to take. I have shared some of what I read with my husband when he is open to listening, and although he has not changed all his ways, he has been able to make some positive changes and now there is hope. |
This book explains it all.
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| Reviewer: Moving On, Wyoming |
| I have been in a relationship with a violent man for 20 years His family is the same way - they all feel very "entitled" and that their violence toward everyone (sometimes their wives) is justified and they were the victims who were "driven" to act this way. The abuse isn't just physical - it's emotional, mental, manipulative.....insidious. After reading countless books, this is the book that finally explains it so clearly for me. I am amazed at how Mr. Bancroft KNOWS the games, the vulgar phrases, the attitudes and more. I cry when reading it sometimes because it's as if he is writing about my husband and his family. I know that it wasn't just me, that I wasn't too sensitive or crazy. When I begin to feel weak and "guilty" about my leaving him, I just pick up the book and it helps get me back on track - moving forward with my children toward a healthier and happier life. |
If you've been through it yourself, you will appreciate this book
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| Reviewer: Been There, |
I read with interest the review in which the writer states, "The description the author lays out is that of a psychopath." If the shoe fits... Obviously that review writer NEVER had to deal with an abusive man. I don't think any woman out there believes a man to be abusive simply because he might raise his voice now and again. Oh, well, we're dealing with a society full of people who have never been through true abuse themselves and so will never understand... To those of us who KNOW what it is to be abused, then this is a great book.
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pinpoint evaluation
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| Reviewer: afflicted beauty, |
| I left an abusive relationship over a year ago and have had a very difficult time healing. This book was recommended by an emotional support center for abused women and I would recommend this book for anyone. The author has a great deal of credibility considering he has been counseling these men for nearly 2 decades! I felt it nailed the persona of most abusive men and would be very helpful to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship or has been and is trying to heal. To the men who find this book offensive...maybe you should ask yourself why? |
A "should" read for all attorney's doing divorce work
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| Reviewer: Atticus Finch, Jasper, GA |
| I am an attorney but read this book from a personal perspective. I have a daughter going through a two year divorce. I always thought she had an unhappy marriage but until I read this book I did not realize she was an "abused woman". Lundy Bancroft was right on target with most of his observations. I found this book to be quite helpful in understanding what she has been going through and why he does what he does. This really should be required reading for divorce lawyers. If men take offense, maybe they should step back and question why. |
Amazing book
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| Reviewer: Annabella, Canada |
This is the fourth copy of this book that I have purchased.The first copy I bought in 2006 and re-read a few times,the 2nd book was purchased for a friend who was married to an angry spouse and finally the last two books were purchased as gifts for friends who are counsellors.
I would recommend this book for spouses of angry partners,their angry mates (if they would read it) and for all counsellors,therapists ect.
Lundy Bancroft pulls no punches and does not wander off into the sunset as some writers do.
This book packs a hell of a wake up call and you find yourself having to put it down at times for a small break.But you return to it eagerly time and time again to try to understand the minds and actions of the angry person.
The book does not leave you in the air at the end with no answers,far from it,by the time you have finished reading it,if you are in such a relationship,you know what you have to do,and were to go for help.
Many links at the end of the book for more reading and places to call for extra help.
One of the best books I have read in my 40+ years of being a bookacholic.
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Yes- this is the one
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| Reviewer: Say Grace, Incline Village, NV USA |
| If you are doubtful as to which book to read about abusers, look no further because Lundy Bancroft's book is IT. Everyone I told about this book was thrilled with the gold mine of information in it. Very well written, Bancroft is a compassionate writer, researcher, teacher to the victims of abuse. Only someone like Bancroft who has worked with abusive types for years would know this stuff. When they said he was the leading expert in the field they weren't kidding. Do you want to know abusers inside and out? Get this book. Hear him live at talktotara.com |
When they say YOU'RE over-reacting, and YOU'RE the one with the problem...
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| Reviewer: PDXTan, Pacific NW |
Welcome back to the world of reason. The behavior descriptions in this book will help you determine many different levels of conduct. The gray areas are better defined, so that the reader can see clear differences between behavior that is merely annoying, versus what is more imposing, versus what is truly devastating.
This book will encourage the reader to think for themselves, with behavior examples that give the reader a sound unit of measure. Plus, it offers one a clear map of the progression of destructive behavior. I was able to use this book to stop a bad situation before it progressed out of control.
It can be very confusing when rational thought and good sense no longer seem to apply. A controlling personality does not have to hit you to harm your health or environment.
Are you too scared to ask the offender to curb their behavior? Is the conversation being turned around back on to you? Does the offender have a denial or excuse for every transgression they make, no matter how extreme? Do you dread going home because of the lack of harmony or peace?
Are you caught in a double standard, where the controlling personality gets a free ride in their behavior, but you are constantly worried about "keeping your side of the street clean?"
This book puts a name to every trick, and every twist that may be aimed at you. While the book is geared toward abuse within relationships, I believe that the information can help other family members understand as well, as it did for my family.
Only the author's incredible 15 YEARS of experience in counseling abusers and their partners could have brought about this valuable information. Take it from a seasoned counselor that knows all the stunts. This professional perspective helped me anticipate and define escalations in bad behavior. I did this by reading the priceless clues in the "Early Warning Signs" section of this book.
I highly recommend for any family that has an abusive or destructive family member. However, as a safety precaution, I would suggest that one not show this book or read this book to an abuser or controlling personality. Anybody that defends controlling, imposing, or abusive behavior will not like this book, and will likely be offended by it's content.
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This is the only resource you'll need on this topic
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| Reviewer: Honeypie, Washington, Pa |
| I agree with the other reviewers and I would like to add that I used this book to help a family member go through a separation and hopefully, a divorce. There were no surprises, everything the abuser tried to do to further manipulate and abuse is documented in the book. His excuses, his bizarre behavior, his "charm", it's all in there. The best point made, in my opinion, is that we shouldn't think that these abusers are mentally ill, or that drugs or alcohol make them the way they are. I constantly reminded our family that this guy turns it on and off when he wants to. He could be nice if he wanted to, but he chooses to abuse. Also, I like the sections on how low an abuser will go to use his children to get what he wants. Whatever comes up, there is a section in the book pertaining to it. MUst READ. |
My abuse counselor recommended that I read this.
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| Reviewer: , |
| I'm glad she did. Reading this book has answered so many questions I've had about my abusive husband's actions. How could it be that he loves me so much and yet treat me more like he despises me? How can he be so wonderful, charming, charismatic and abusive? Why does he verbally shred me to bits if I don't comply with his orders? Why does he have to bark orders, can't he understand that asking is much more effective? Why do I have so much fear? Although I've been separated from my husband for 5 months now, I've been waffling back and forth between feeling like we can work this out and wanting to finalize the divorce. Then I read this book. The more I read, the more I understood and the less I wanted to reconcile. Now I see how lucky I am that I managed to get out safely (with the help of family and a restraining order). If you are in an abusive relationship or think you might be, get this book. It might be wise to not let him know you have it. Even if you sit in a library or bookstore and just read the descriptions in Chapter 4, it will be helpful. |
Please read this book
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| Reviewer: G. L. Hamilton, Bonita, CA USA |
For many years, I asked how could he do that, and is it really me? I worked on learning not to get upset with his cruel, unfeeling and manipulative behavior becasue he avowed he loved me; he said it was just something wrong with me that I could not perceive that.
If that sounds familiar at all, please read this book. There really are men who need to belittle and control you all while claiming you're the one with a problem. I lived in a marriage like that for 30 years, doubting my perceptions and sanity. Ten years after getting out of that, I am happy and know even better after reading this book, it was NOT me. If you wonder why does he do that, you CAN be free. |
TRUTH REVEALED!
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| Reviewer: Ronalee Holloway, ARIZONA |
| It was obvious after reading this book by Lundy Bancroft that he did much research on this subject. Having been in an abusive marriage for 29 years, I felt this book was written exactly about my ex-husband! It opened my eyes and viewpoints to what the abuser is actually thinking, their motives for belittling the victim (usually a wife or girlfriend). He also proved a point that I had questioned: the abuse of my 34 yr. old daughter from the time she was 8 yrs. old til she left home at 18 (of course, I was NOT aware of this at the time) is common by an abuser to a spouse, can and most often IS, also a sexual abuser. Thank you, Mr. Bancroft! I am on the 'road to recovery'. |
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