Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

In school we were warned not to write in "Glittering Generalities," yet Gray does his best to make a virtue of that. Who but a stand-up comedian would dare say "Canadians love Good Government, Americans love Liberty"? Or: "Californians crave B vitamins, Midwesterners crave protein"? Gray's whole thesis sounds just as simplistic at first. (In general, and with exceptions), Men are from Mars: Competitive, individualistic, not into "caring and sharing," wanting to be admired for their ability to hang tough and deliver the goods yet unwilling to communicate the fact they need admiration. And Women are from Venus: Craving respect from their men, looking for emotional bells and whistles and not so much material status symbols as their men might suppose, prone to cycles of emotional fatigue and dependent on their mates to cherish them. In the beginning it all sounded so like a 1950s Tupperware Party I almost gave up.

But I didn't, and eventually the book works, in no small part because Gray writes patiently and simply but not simplistically, supported by a huge pool of real-life examples from his own therapy sessions (and apparently lots of "plugs" from earlier editions of his books at its successors). It's hard to argue with people who tell you their marriage was saved by this book.

Gray deals with language a lot in this book, because "Martians" and "Venusians" speak different languages, and each is only remotely connected to English. (He even uses phrasebook-translation techniques at times!) If a man comes home mulling over something and seems withdrawn, his wife may ask him, "What's wrong"? He might say, "It's okay." This is Martian for, roughly paraphrasing, "I need to withdraw into myself (his "cave," Gray says), and mull over a situation. It may be a small technical matter or something more significant. I first have to isolate the matter, then chew on it, determine its scope, and try to solve it on my own. Trust me to have enough sense to try to solve it rationally, and trust me to have enough sense to seek advice from the right source if it's something I can't handle on my own. Please DO NOT keep offering help. That's a waste of your time and mine; and it's a double insult to imply that I can't solve most of my own problems and that you somehow would be better at solving my own problems that I am." So the woman cannot interpret "It's OK" into Venusian ("Please help me") or even literal English ("Everything's fine; I'm going to relate to you normally").

On the other hand, suppose Mars and Venus are in the car, getting ready to leave the house for a long-planned camping trip. Mars turns the ignition key; Venus suddenly sighs and says, "I feel all the life is being squeezed out of me. You NEVER do anything with me anymore." Mars should not, SHOULD NOT, respond to the challenge of "never" by saying "If I 'never' do anything with you, what the Hell do you call this trip?" Which would lead to hurt feelings, bickering, perhaps an all-out fight. And Mars probably has no clue his spouse is uttering Venusian dialect meaning something along the lines of "I'm at an emotional low. All the planning and packing has drained me. I need love and sympathy. Please show how much you care for me so that I can start re-investing my trust in you." His best response might be . . . no response at all. Or maybe something like "mmmm." (Gray is very big on non-verbal verbal communication.) Martians have to listen beneath the words, beneath the contract, and learn to hear the tone ringing through the context.

Sound difficult? It is. That's why it takes a medium-sized book to broach the subject; and my paraphrases, however glib, have been worked as much as possible to be accurate. Gray's theories are convincing in structure, attitude and -- as I've said above -- outcome. Not for everyone and not all the time, but maybe for eighty percent of American couples who aren't "newlywed or nearly dead." The mass of people who haven't given up -- who care about keeping their relationships intact -- especially those who come out of an argument truly puzzled as to why mere misunderstandings escalate into wars of words, or why their problem-solving seems to ground-out at the level of "S/he's always got to WIN an argument." This book is not just for stereotype Alan Aldas or Stepford Wives; to borrow a phrase it has worked for a lot of people who worked it and will continue to do so. Just don't confuse John Gray with Moses, lest the "Commandment-like" tone of his opening chapters put you off this very good and useful book. ;)

When I began to read the book, I was impressed with the way it described some of the differences between men and women. The book gave me a lot of insight and answered some of the questions I've puzzled about for a long time. However, I got bogged down with the book's repetitiveness.

Since my son liked the tape, I bought it(abridged) and found I liked the concepts even better in a condensed form. After listening to the casette several times and understanding it, I enjoyed the book better, too. The wisdom of its concepts began to grow on me. Now, I often think of the concepts taught. Using them increases understanding between us in our marriage. The concepts aren't difficult, just different than what I would think up on my own. I found my husband likes the tape, too. We're going on a trip this weekend and plan to take the tape along and listen to it again.

I appreciated ways to word feelings that I couldn't think of how to express before. Sometimes feelings and words are very far apart in our heads. The book helped me to express how I feel, and it helps us to have better discussions on the way we feel without getting angry about it. I was often amazed at a concept and checked it out with my husband, and he always agreed with what was taught as a man's point of view.

This book and tape help us remember that men and women are different, and they are meant to be different! So, let's enjoy it and work together instead of complaining about it!

The best thing is that if you take away the repetition, the ideas expressed are true and useful for most people. At least, I think so, and I scoffed at the title, insisting I must be from Jupiter, and refused to read it for years.

Much of the advice to women I had already figured out on my own. (Example: you notice the garbage can is overflowing and wish your man would empty it. You wonder why he didn't notice & empty it already, and wish he would do it without being asked. You feel tempted to deliver a long lecture about why he should have done it already, and present an airtight case that he is guilty of neglect. The question is, which is more important, 1. proving you are right and he is wrong, or 2. getting an empty bag in the garbage can? If the answer is 2., skip the lecture and just ask him politely to do it.)

My favorite chapter was "Women Are Like Waves." In it, Gray describes a cyclical fluctuation in women's moods. Just when it seems a woman is on top of the world, she plummets, and has to reach bottom before feeling good again. Gray's wife Bonnie calls the down part of the cycle being in a well. When a woman is in her well, she confronts whatever is difficult in her life. Gray advises men to resist the temptation to try to "fix" the problem, and just be there for her and listen. He warns that the woman will feel worse before she feels better, because she has to "bottom out" before she can rise again. The most important point is that the whole thing will reoccur. Any unresolved issues in a woman's life will reappear whenever she's in her well, whether they are from her past, problems with her current relationship, her career, etc. This can create a sense of "déjà vu" in an intimate relationship - "didn't we talk about this already?" From my own experience, I believe this pattern exists, at least during difficult times, and I can understand how these reoccurring conversations must be puzzling and frustrating for men. Gray's advice to them is right on target.

This book has often been criticized for perpetuating stereotypes or insisting everyone is the same. Many readers seem to have ignored this caveat on page 6: "I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others...after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences."

I don't know why some readers have thought this book is insulting to women. It describes women as caring, feeling individuals who want to connect with others. It could just as easily be said it insults men by portraying them as pre-verbal, insensitive troglodytes driven by power, competition, and the fear of intimacy. Personally, I think both sexes are portrayed fairly. The aim of the book is not to pigeonhole people, but to alleviate misunderstandings brought about by common differences between men and women in what we value, what motivates us, and how we communicate.

Because of the repetition, I don't think the book is worth buying. But it's worth going out of your way to borrow it from a friend, from the library, or to spend some time with it in your local bookstore.

Boy, were we surprised! First my husband and I tried so hard to convince each other we were not like the average Martian and Venutian, but really much as the motivations were oversimplified it really did describe incredibly well exactly how we behaved under certain circumstances. And gave really concrete tips on what to do differently to avoid communication gaps. Now when we start getting frustrated we can take a step back and say "oh, we're having a Mars-Venus moment here" and we find our communication, honestly, is greatly improved, and we're happier.

Once we'd gotten the first few points down we found the book somewhat repetitive and overly simplistic- applying the same concepts to every possible situation, even when obvious- but then every now and again we'd start a new chapter and walk away saying "wow, I never realized that. you really think that way about things?" Overall, every relationship could use a few communication tips, and I certainly learned a lot more than I thought I would from this book. It's fantastic.

In essence, a few core themes run through the book, being supported by various examples, and different wording that help make the points clear.

First, men are goal-oriented, internalizing, and when they are stressed, "retreat to a cave" to consider what to do. They want to come to a solution on their own, and *then* emerge. To try to help them while they are in the "cave" is counter productive.

Men want to be trusted and admired. This is the whole Knight-in-Armor, John Wayne, Rambo training we have given men. They want to feel that the woman believes in them. To question a man is to show your doubt. The book recommends if your man is lost while driving, or forgets something while travelling, to just be quiet and accept it. It will show your trust in him to get there eventually or to solve the problem. I'm personally not sure if tihs is always wise advice.

Women, on the other hand, are nurturing, expressive, feeling individuals who tend to use poetic license such as saying "you ALWAYS forget to do that chore" or "you NEVER listen to me". The advice given to men is to take what women say with a grain of salt, and not to react to any of it literally. Most of what women want, according to the book, is just to be heard. Women don't want solutions or answers. They want to feel that their feelings are being heard and understood ... they want to be held and be told "Yes, yes, I understand". The book explains that men make the mistake of thinking women tell them things in order for the men to *fix* those things. Instead, the women tell them things in order to share their feelings, but aren't seeking actual resolutions.

While I agree that women are trained to share feelings and to sometimes be overly emotional, to tell a man that women never want resolutions, and always exaggerate, is not treating a woman as a logical human being perfectly capable of wanting answers.

There is definitely a lot of helpful information in the book. It is of course good to show trust in your husband. It is important to understand what your wife *means* and not just pick apart what she literally has *said*. It is good to understand that society trains men to "retreat" to consider problems, and that they consider interference during this time as "harassment" instead of "helpful". It's good to realize that women have emotional cycles and can sometimes be happy, and sometimes sad, and that nobody is always happy.

However, be sure to read the book as a guideline on how to help your relationship, and not as a Bible which has the exact ways in which you and your special partner can relate to each other. It definitely has interesting hints and tips, and interesting stories to share. It also has many generalizations that, for many individuals, simply do not apply.

This strength comes from noting, and becoming aware of, these differences without judging either yourself or others (ie. your partner, friends, or family) as "wrong" for them.

I really enjoyed reading this, especially as I've just recently read another book which presents a similar theme: Working On Yourself Doesn't Work (by Ariel and Shya Kane).

That book goes beyond styles of communication, and discusses the idea of observation without judgement as an approach which can help resolve - and even dissolve - many otherwise difficult situations.

However the book is just as insulting to men. It's core message to men is: you can fix your relationship by not acting like a complete jerk every time you're with your partner, even if it's only once a week, and even if you aren't sincere.

For example, Grey thinks you'll be the world's #1 chick-magnet if you show appreciation for the fact that your partner does all the cooking, cleaning, garbage duties etc. Never mind offering to actually contribute to the relationship, just nod when your partner complains about doing all the work. Many of the anecdotes come from John Grey's own experiences. From what the man describes of his own shallow and cavemanlike behaviour, it's no wonder that all the women he knows complain a lot!

If my brain ever fell out and I started to take any of Grey's advice, I reckon my now happy and fulfilling marriage would be over in a year (just like John Grey's).

How anyone can read this book and rave is beyond me - dreadful beyond words, and dangerous to boot. I'm so glad I read a borrowed copy - if I'd helped John Grey get rich(er) I'd be ashamed. Worth WAY less than one star.

I plan to either burn this book or sell it to some poor sap who thinks it will really make a difference.

The main objective of the book is to help men and women communicate better in relationships. The book is built on the premise that women and men speak in essence "different languages." While the Mars/Venus metaphor gets redundant rather quickly, the message it conveys is valid and thought-provoking. Men and women do tend to express themselves differently, which often causes breakdowns in communication between them. This book teaches us to be more sensitive to these differences, understand each other better, and be able to express our needs in a manner that the other person can understand. Above all, the book teaches us to respect each other, really listen to the other person, and be a better partner to them. In addition to raising our awareness about the different styles of communication, the book also gives many practical solutions to common problems, down to the exact words that one should say to achieve the desired result. While this may seem simplistic, it gives very useful illustration of these principles in action.

I do have some reservations about the book. First, the author takes a very stereotypical approach to both genders and their relationship. For example, most women in his examples are meek housewives who wait for their tired husbands to come home from work at the end of the day, and whose greatest joy in life is going shopping with their husband's money. While sometimes generalization may be necessary to make a point, such an old-fashioned idea of marriage made it difficult to apply the learnings wholeheartedly to my own situation. The second problem is that the major learning takes place in the first four chapters; the rest seem redundant and contain more filler material, reinforcing the points made in earlier chapters. Such repetition may be helpful to drive the points home, but it also makes for less-than-inspiring reading.

Despite some of the problems with the book, I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone. It contains a lot of very insightful information that can help anyone make immediate and lasting positive changes in their relationship with the opposite sex. The book is all the more valuable if both people in a couple read this book in order to gain a better understanding of each other and build a stronger foundation for their relationship together.

The short version of this book: you and your partner may get into arguments primarily because you do not communicate your differences to one another and assume your partner expresses him or herself in the same way that you do. The book is useful in suggesting ways to overcome this difficulty (try to ignore some of the gender generalizations).

Gray also seems to have a stubbornly optimistic view of relationships, partly because he seems to believe that *every* problem in a relationship stems from simple misunderstandings in how individuals express love for one another.

I recommend this book to everyone, and am even giving one to my fiancee before we get married, so that we both have an understanding of a better way to communicate, especially when the going gets tough.

This is not just another gimmicky self-help, pop-psychology book (though admittedly the marketing of the author's books and seminars via infomercials is a turn-off). But this book has good, solid information about how to communicate better with members of the opposite sex, even parents and siblings.

I highly recommend you read it!

A man who recently separated from his wife, said to me, after reading this book, "Gee, maybe now I know what I was doing wrong. Why didn't she tell me?" Well, perhaps she tried but, being a "Martian," perhaps he did not know how to interpret the message of one from "Venus." This book provides a straight-forward approach to communication, which as a counsellor, I have found lacking in many relationships. The book will explain how men and women express themselves in a different manner, how each can interpret the meaning in a different way, and how we can effectively respond.

I highly recommend this plain and simple book. After reading it, you will truly be able to see that while both genders have a different way of expressing themselves, and different quirks that make them tick, we really do not come from different planets; sometimes it just seems that way. It makes an excellent conversation piece on the bedside table for those late night, intimate little talks.

This book is repugnant and redundant. Gray's view of most people's emotional lives is extremely shallow. Because I believe that there are all kinds of people in the world, I can believe that there are a few people that it might help. But I sure as HELL wouldn't want to be one of those people, or be married to one of those people!

Go read a real relationship book by someone who has an actual clue, like John Gottman, Ph.D.

His book should be renamed "Psychopathic Women Are From Venus and Inadequate, Stupid Men Are from Mars." Don't buy the book if you have an above-average I.Q. or an effective, normal personality.

Gray has no more than 5 chapters of material, and yet has turned it into a 10 chapter book. He is repetitive, and propogates a variety of stereotypes about men and women. Worse though, is that he seems to want us to believe these differences are fundamental.

Almost anyone could have written this book. It mostly involves writing down all the gender stereotypes you can come up with.

I find it alarming that his ideas have been so overwhelmingly welcomed by North Americans.

This book's descriptions of men and women and it's philosophies for finding harmony and happiness are biased in favor of men. Here's how it works. Essentially, if the man decides to enter his "cave" then there isn't one single thing the woman can do and, from John Gray's perspective, the same thing is true for the man. It's simply a time when only one course of action - leaving the man alone - will solve anything. Though it is true that, when people are edgy, they may need some space. Still, Gray says that it happens all the time for men and that they just can't help it. Though it may also be true that sometimes people need some alone time just for its own sake, still, Gray's philosophy, if bought into by a couple, can easily lead to the man misusing the idea of the "cave" to justify unnecessary and even selfish distancing which may actually hurt the relationship in the long run.

Gray does use some humor and clever metaphors to put forth his points, but, just because you laugh or find a metaphor easy to understand does not necessarily mean that you are being taught correct ideas. If you read this book, be skeptical.

Incredible!!

At first view, the Mars and Venus metaphor seems to make good common sense. Hamson rips it to shreds and challenged me to question my assumptions.

I feel like I have a brain again.