Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It–And Men Don’t Either
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| Company: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc. |
| Retail List Price: $32.95 |
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Description |
At first glance the sexual male seems easy to understand, but beneath the surface lie complexities that disrupt lives and relationships. Why can men be so distant in bed? Why do many men love porn so much? And can he love porn and still love his wife?
Respected psychologist Michael Bader takes an honest look at the nuances of male sexuality, addressing issues such as sexual boredom, internet sex, and sexual fantasies that can leave women bewildered and men ashamed. Illustrated with engaging examples from his practice, Male Sexuality gives readers, both women and men, deeper understanding of male behavior from the flamboyant to the mundane. Through increased awareness of the psychology behind the sex, Bader aims to enhance individual self-esteem and improve communication in relationships. |
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Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It--And Men Don't Either Reviews |
 Eye-opening premise, thorough research |
| Reviewer: The Brown Bear, Thousand Oaks, CA USA |
| As someone who prefers evidence based psychological stuff over pop-psych Oprah-esque nonsense, Michael Bader's text is solid and revealing. I wish there were more case studies in the work to cover a broader range of the extant continuum of human sexuality and relational differences, but for the mainstream, this is sufficiently thorough. The harder part is finding a therapist who can help couples figure out their pathenogenic beliefs about the other gender and undo them because so many conventional therapists are simply unaware of Bader's work. I fear that much like other men's issues, the mainstream will stick to their pop-psych men are from mars nonsense and perpetuate unnecessary pain in relationships. Bader's work is a must-read if you're a straight man or a woman who loves straight men. |
Get Ready to Get It
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| Reviewer: Average Consumer, |
| This book is so much more than "male sexuality" - it's a relationship primer. Dr. Bader is a compassionate, insightful and gifted writer. He obviously knows his stuff, but unlike so many other books written by psychologists, the point isn't for us to know he knows his stuff - it's for US to know his stuff. His humor and storytelling bring this book - and the subject - to life. Highly recommend. |
Amazingly Illuminating, A Must Read for Men
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| Reviewer: AS, San Francisco |
This was one of the most revelatory books I have read in a while. Even though it is under 200 pages, it took me a long time to read because there was so much in it. Culturally, men are supposed to be these sexual automatons (like the main character on HBO's "Hung") but the reality is that male sexuality is very psychologically complex and this book flushes out the reasons why in a sympathetic and understanding voice.
The book really gets into the dichotomy of being male - the simultaneous instincts for intimacy and security and one hand and freedom and limitless on the other. Bader believes that guilt - guilt for being a male, for showing love for someone besides his mother, for having desire for women who ostensibly look at male attraction as something that is domineering - is principally what ails men so much in their sex lives.
"Boys grow up with the belief, however irrational, that one of the most basic ways they can potentially hurt women is by simply being male. (23)." "Unfortunately, boys often grow up with the false and painful belief that their separation has hurt their mothers or that their own pride in being masculine is the object of maternal envy. The resulting guilt can cause a range of problems: it can force some boys to play down their difference, suppress their pleasure, or mute their pride in their masculinity (24)." One of the main consequences of this is that men often think that being sexually assertive is distasteful and turns off the opposite sex.
Upon feeling guilty, men react by either pushing women away by feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility for women (I don't want to hurt her, I will hurt her feelings and end up repressing her if we get too close) or objectifying them (more of an aggressive impulse, equating intimacy with a weakening of one's masculine boundaries) [all this on pages 32-33 in the discussion of "ruthlessness."]. "The reason that a woman's need becomes the man's obligation is because of the unconscious belief that he is supposed to satisfy a woman's needs. Caught between feeling resentful that they have to suppress their own needs to make women happy, and feeling guilty about their chronic failure to do so, men are often unable to pursue sexual pleasure with even a momentary disregard for their partners (33)."
This is a very illuminating and challenging book that will help men understand what is behind their sexual urges and, hopefully, help more learn to accept themselves with less guilt.
And yet, going along with the taboo nature of it, I felt embarrassed reading it. I always read it alone in my room when everyone was out. I feel embarrassed to talk about things in this book with anyone. I'm hoping that books like this will change that.
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This book insults both men and women
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| Reviewer: Karl, |
Don't waste your money unless you are looking for justification of the prevalence of hostility directed at women. In a nutshell: It's all the mother's fault, according this book.
Underneith the superficial "professional" tone of the writing, it is clear that the author has issues with women and he spends most of the book making excuses for the continual compulsive need in many men for scenarios that degrade and humiliate women. He even make the case that child sexual abuse is not such a big deal, by conflating media hysteria around the issue with the actual traumatic effects of molestation. Another gem is that men lust after young women and reject women their own age because they see signs of age in women as "unhappiness" and signs of youth as "happiness", implying that men are so inept they cannot accurately read human emotion. If I were a man I would find this a supreme insult to my intelligence. Rape porn and rape fantasies? They don't mean anything negative according to the author, because the guys actually WANT you to want to be raped. Now doesn't that feel better?
This book will be very popular with people who want to assuage their guilt about the titillating effects of extremely violent imagery and violent and degrading fantasies.
For true insight into the disconnect between genders read Carol Gilligan's The Birth of Pleasure. |
A Huge Disappointment
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| Reviewer: Sandra Carter, Southern California |
| This has to be one of the worst books I have read recently in probing male sexuality. The best line in the book, that sex starts in the mind and then travels South, in the first chapter is the best line of the book. This books fails on so many levels and is boring. Don't waste your time and money on this one, it isn't worth it. There are other books out there that are more insightful, explicitly clear on the author's thoughts and observations, that are clear and precise. This book is none of those things. It seems that the author is trying to come to terms with his own unique set of circumstances rather than answers questions and report observations of male sexuality. I disagree with some of his summations as do some of the authors out there. Save your money...this guy can't write. |
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